- Cape To Capitalize On Federal Courthouse Disaster
Martha Throebeck, March 16, 2008
Federal incompetence is good for business.
- Congress To Require Minimum Allowances For Children
Martha Throebeck, January 10, 2008
Child labor laws just got a lot more laborious
- Move Over Atkins, Here Comes The Low-Carbon Diet
Martha Throebeck, January 5, 2008
A new year, a new diet
- City Installs "Articial Potholes" To Help Enforce Speed Limits
Martha Throebeck, December 28, 2007
Driving will never be the same.
- Missouri Provides Inspiration For New Military Weapons
Martha Throebeck, December 26, 2007
The terrorists won't stand a chance.
- "Happy Holidays" No Longer Politically Correct
Martha Throebeck, November 28, 2007
It's never been a better time to be Scrooge.
- Test Scores Up 1000% After School Expels Dumb Students
Martha Throebeck, November 26, 2007
It's hard to argue with the test results.
- Dateline 2012: City Overwhelmed By Art Galleries
Martha Throebeck, February 22, 2007
We don't want to revitalize downtown too much.
- Hospitals Sign "Treaty of Kingshighway"
Martha Throebeck, February 20, 2007
The war of words between the two hospitals is over.
- Snowstorm Dumps .36 Inches Of Snow; State Of Emergency Declared
Martha Throebeck, February 1, 2007
Just think of the stories you'll be able to tell your grandchildren.
- Neckred County To Hold Christmas Double-Wide Tour
Martha Throebeck, December 3, 2006
Get ready for more Christmas cheer than you can stand
- Dateline 2009: Neighborhood Ruined By Senior Delinquents
Martha Throebeck, October 15, 2006
Here come the electric scooters. There goes the neighborhood.
- Newsflash: SEMO Excommunicated From NCAA For "Political Correctness" Violations
Martha Throebeck, April 22, 2006
Political correct isn't a suggestion, it's an NCAA bylaw.
- SEMO Might Sell Kent Library To Raise Money For River Campus
Martha Throebeck, February 23, 2006
Buy Kent Library and receive a 50% discount on Johnson Hall!
- Illinois Bans Cellphones While Walking
Martha Throebeck, January 13, 2006
Welcome to Illinois. Please leave your Common Sense at the state line.
- Court: "Happy Holidays" Just As Offensive As "Merry Christmas"
Martha Throebeck, December 12, 2005
This isn't just a slippery slope, it's a vertical cliff!
- Racial Bigots Ecstatic Over Supreme Court Ruling
Martha Throebeck, June 25, 2005
Segregation is legal again, thanks to the Supreme Court.
- Local Baseball Player "Fails" Drug Test
Martha Throebeck, May 31, 2005
This player is obviously not ready for the big leagues.
- Newsflash: Scientists Discover Person With "Ideal Body Weight"
Martha Throebeck, April 25, 2005
It's obviously an aberration.
- Nobody Notices Ten Commandments Display At Missouri Capitol
Martha Throebeck, March 23, 2005
It's just not that important.
- City Council Drops Plan To Turn Downtown Into Giant Roundabout
Martha Throebeck, March 21, 2005
Did somebody just say the 'R' word?
- Police Realize Student Is Member Of Football Team, Drop Charges
Martha Throebeck, March 11, 2005
Because an athlete is a horrible thing to waste.
- Cape Cheesecake Cartel Crumbles
Martha Throebeck, March 2, 2005
This menace to society has finally been eliminated.
- Democrats: Global Warming Is A Red-State Conspiracy
Martha Throebeck, February 10, 2005
Rising tides will take out the Blue States first.
- City Warns Against "Killer Goose" At Capaha Park
Martha Throebeck, February 7, 2005
It might look cute, but don't turn your back on it for even a minute!
- Genealogist Discovers Lack Of Inbreeding In Family Tree
Martha Throebeck, January 10, 2005
She feels so... ashamed.
- Burn Your Way To Health
Martha Throebeck, January 9, 2005
You'll lose weight with this plan for sure -- but you'll also lose your ability to taste anything
- Store Owner Discovers Solution To "Merry Christmas Problem"
Martha Throebeck, December 20, 2004
Saying "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" is not a form of bigotry
- Christmas Display Destroyed; Rival Church Suspected
Martha Throebeck, December 6, 2004
The term "holy war" could take on a whole new meaning.
- Family Decides Not To Give Christmas Gifts; Federal Government Investigates
Martha Throebeck, December 1, 2004
Going into debt is an integral part of the American dream, dammit!
- Local Man Invents "Miracle" Weight Loss Pill
Martha Throebeck, November 21, 2004
But don't get too excited just yet.
- Stop The Inauguration! Republicans Disenfranchised Millions Of Voters!
Martha Throebeck, November 11, 2004
The blue states shall rise again.
- Newsflash: Michael Moore Is Actually A Republican!
Martha Throebeck, November 10, 2004
He's a successful entrepreneuer, which disqualifies him as a liberal
- Hoping To Flee The Country? Bush Wants To Help!
Martha Throebeck, November 8, 2004
If liberals move to Europe, it will increase the average IQ of both continents.
- Cardinals Fans Search For Answers After Meltdown
Martha Throebeck, October 30, 2004
Here come the conspiracy theories.
- Panic! Flying Pig Spotted Over Boston
Martha Throebeck, October 27, 2004
We never saw this one coming *splat*
- Beavers Must Obtain Permits To Build Dams
Martha Throebeck, October 18, 2004
It's time to restore fairness to the food chain.
- Electric Company Deploys Surface-To-Squirrel Missiles
Martha Throebeck, October 6, 2004
Why worry about terrorists when squirrels can knock out the power grid so easily?
- Scientists Downgrade Threat Of Flying Pigs
Martha Throebeck, October 5, 2004
The Curse of the Goat continues -- but we're not complaining
- The War Continues: Jackson Petitions To Split From Cape County
Martha Throebeck, September 29, 2004
The insanity refuses to go away.
- Auto Maker Threatens To Boycott California
Martha Throebeck, September 27, 2004
The Left Coast might get left behind.
- The Cape Rock Welcomes CBS To The Fake News Industry
Martha Throebeck, September 20, 2004
We knew you would join us, Dan.
- Downtown Merchants Find Way To Boost Business: Blow Things Up!
Martha Throebeck, September 14, 2004
There's a silver lining to the Bridge Demolition From Hell
- Bush To Offer Incentives For Liberals To Leave The Country
Martha Throebeck, September 7, 2004
Don't let the Statue of Liberty hit you on the way out, Mr. Baldwin
- Doctors Diagnose New Mental Disorders Caused By Reality TV
Martha Throebeck, September 1, 2004
But maybe these viewers are mentally disturbed to begin with?
- County To Stop Maintaining Roads Leading To Jackson
Martha Throebeck, August 30, 2004
Iraq? No, the real war is in Jackson
- New Unofficial Indians Booster Club Forms
Martha Throebeck, August 11, 2004
The college is stuck between a rock and a larger rock.
- Edwards Flip-Flops On Cape Visit
Martha Throebeck, August 5, 2004
But you have to give him credit for showing up in the Home of Rush Limbaugh
- Rust Communications Projected To Achieve World Domination By 2064
Martha Throebeck, August 3, 2004
But only if they don't get squashed first by other large moguls.
- Iran Offers Free Citizenship To US Residents
Martha Throebeck, July 26, 2004
The country hopes that Midwesterners will run to Iran.
