- Man apologizes for not wearing "lucky" Cardinals shirt
Play ball! But only after everybody has checked their wardrobes.
- Man Hospitalized After Drinking From Expired Water Bottle
They aren't kidding about those expiration dates.
- School evacuated because of second-hand smoke
No school principal has ever got fired for being too paranoid.
- Missouri To Host Little Miss Fetus U.S.A. Beauty Pageant
There is no minimum age for this contest.
- Haiti Relief Money Accidentally Sent To Hayti
Either way, the money will go to a worthy cause.
- SEMO: Please Park Illegally, We Need The Money
The University needs your help to pay for new fountains and stuff.
- NCAA Dispatches "Enforcement Squad" To Rewrite History
Repeat after me, you did NOT attend those basketball games.
- Wal-Mart To Offer In-Store Chapels
They won't be satisfied until they control everything.
- Cape To Capitalize On Federal Courthouse Disaster
Federal incompetence is good for business.
- Congress To Require Minimum Allowances For Children
Child labor laws just got a lot more laborious
- Move Over Atkins, Here Comes The Low-Carbon Diet
A new year, a new diet
- City Installs "Articial Potholes" To Help Enforce Speed Limits
Driving will never be the same.
- Missouri Provides Inspiration For New Military Weapons
The terrorists won't stand a chance.
- "Happy Holidays" No Longer Politically Correct
It's never been a better time to be Scrooge.
- Test Scores Up 1000% After School Expels Dumb Students
It's hard to argue with the test results.
- Dateline 2012: City Overwhelmed By Art Galleries
We don't want to revitalize downtown too much.
- Hospitals Sign "Treaty of Kingshighway"
The war of words between the two hospitals is over.
- Snowstorm Dumps .36 Inches Of Snow; State Of Emergency Declared
Just think of the stories you'll be able to tell your grandchildren.
- Dateline 2009: Neighborhood Ruined By Senior Delinquents
Here come the electric scooters. There goes the neighborhood.
- Newsflash: SEMO Excommunicated From NCAA For "Political Correctness" Violations
Political correct isn't a suggestion, it's an NCAA bylaw.
- SEMO Might Sell Kent Library To Raise Money For River Campus
Buy Kent Library and receive a 50% discount on Johnson Hall!
- Illinois Bans Cellphones While Walking
Welcome to Illinois. Please leave your Common Sense at the state line.
- Court: "Happy Holidays" Just As Offensive As "Merry Christmas"
This isn't just a slippery slope, it's a vertical cliff!
- Local Man Discovers Elusive "Paducah Shortcut"
But is this all a hoax?
- Local Baseball Player "Fails" Drug Test
This player is obviously not ready for the big leagues.
- Newsflash: Scientists Discover Person With "Ideal Body Weight"
It's obviously an aberration.
- Nobody Notices Ten Commandments Display At Missouri Capitol
It's just not that important.
- City Council Drops Plan To Turn Downtown Into Giant Roundabout
Did somebody just say the 'R' word?
- Police Realize Student Is Member Of Football Team, Drop Charges
Because an athlete is a horrible thing to waste.
- Cape Cheesecake Cartel Crumbles
This menace to society has finally been eliminated.
- Letter: We Should Support Tart Reform
If it works for Nevada and the Netherlands, it can work for us.
- Democrats: Global Warming Is A Red-State Conspiracy
Rising tides will take out the Blue States first.
- City Warns Against "Killer Goose" At Capaha Park
It might look cute, but don't turn your back on it for even a minute!
- Genealogist Discovers Lack Of Inbreeding In Family Tree
She feels so... ashamed.
- Burn Your Way To Health
You'll lose weight with this plan for sure -- but you'll also lose your ability to taste anything
- Store Owner Discovers Solution To "Merry Christmas Problem"
Saying "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" is not a form of bigotry
- Christmas Display Destroyed; Rival Church Suspected
The term "holy war" could take on a whole new meaning.
- Family Decides Not To Give Christmas Gifts; Federal Government Investigates
Going into debt is an integral part of the American dream, dammit!
- Local Man Invents "Miracle" Weight Loss Pill
But don't get too excited just yet.
- Stop The Inauguration! Republicans Disenfranchised Millions Of Voters!
The blue states shall rise again.
- Newsflash: Michael Moore Is Actually A Republican!
He's a successful entrepreneuer, which disqualifies him as a liberal
- Hoping To Flee The Country? Bush Wants To Help!
If liberals move to Europe, it will increase the average IQ of both continents.
- Cardinals Fans Search For Answers After Meltdown
Here come the conspiracy theories.
- Panic! Flying Pig Spotted Over Boston
We never saw this one coming *splat*
- Beavers Must Obtain Permits To Build Dams
It's time to restore fairness to the food chain.
- Electric Company Deploys Surface-To-Squirrel Missiles
Why worry about terrorists when squirrels can knock out the power grid so easily?
- Scientists Downgrade Threat Of Flying Pigs
The Curse of the Goat continues -- but we're not complaining
- The War Continues: Jackson Petitions To Split From Cape County
The insanity refuses to go away.
- Auto Maker Threatens To Boycott California
The Left Coast might get left behind.
- The Cape Rock Welcomes CBS To The Fake News Industry
We knew you would join us, Dan.
- Downtown Merchants Find Way To Boost Business: Blow Things Up!
There's a silver lining to the Bridge Demolition From Hell
- Bush To Offer Incentives For Liberals To Leave The Country
Don't let the Statue of Liberty hit you on the way out, Mr. Baldwin
- Doctors Diagnose New Mental Disorders Caused By Reality TV
But maybe these viewers are mentally disturbed to begin with?
- County To Stop Maintaining Roads Leading To Jackson
Iraq? No, the real war is in Jackson
- New Unofficial Indians Booster Club Forms
The college is stuck between a rock and a larger rock.
- Edwards Flip-Flops On Cape Visit
But you have to give him credit for showing up in the Home of Rush Limbaugh
- Rust Communications Projected To Achieve World Domination By 2064
But only if they don't get squashed first by other large moguls.
- Iran Offers Free Citizenship To US Residents
The country hopes that Midwesterners will run to Iran.
- Welcome To Low-Carb-ondale, The Atkins-Friendly City
Let's hope the city fathers don't get hurt as they jump on a moving bandwagon.
- Cubs Go Into Tailspin, Threat Of Flying Pigs Diminishes
Potential crisis averted... for now.
- Interest Groups Crawl Out Of The Woodwork To Protest "Redhawks"
You can't fight Academic Hall
- Federal Government To Release Freshwater Sharks, Piranhas
Illegal acts of fun will not be tolerated on federal property.
- SEMO Parking Police Recruited To Hunt Weapons In Iraq
Finally, a practical application for the Department of Public Safety.
- Crisis Strikes Newspaper Office
The worst case scenario almost comes true.
- Warning: Rubberneckers Next 97 Miles
Next year, MoDOT will put an end to the yard sale chaos.
- The Real Truth About Roswell
The UFO frenzy started in Cape Girardeau.
- Latest News From The Missouri Legislature
The Missouri legislature has done it again.
- Hey, We're Still Offended!
Welcome to Rush Limbaugh Hall.
- Rush Limbaugh Donates Millions To University; Biology Department Threatens To Strike
Welcome to Rush Limbaugh Hall.
- Shelby The Yellow Dog Unveils Election Platform
This dog hopes to get rid of the fat cats in power.
- Man survives for 3 days by eating stuff he found under the cushions of his couch
Even a 12 Step Program couldn't help this guy.
- Network Launches The "Award Show Channel"
And the award for the network with the most vapid content goes to...
- MoDOT Invents "Load-Bearing Duct Tape" To Hold Bridges Together
Just ignore the rust and dangling wires.
- Land Values Outside Cape Girardeau Expected To Jump
With each passing city council meeting, the city is looking less and less appealing.
- 2004: Year In Preview
We've got a slightly-dented second-hand crystal ball and we're not afraid to use it.
- Police Bust Black Market Doughnut Smuggling Operation
Do you have a permit for that imported doughnut?
- Cubs To Require Training For All Fans
Learning When To Catch -- And Not Catch -- Fly Balls 101
- Criminals Applaud Court Decision Delaying Concealed Weapons Law
Welcome to Missouri, where the Bill of Rights is anything but.
- Scientists Investigate Reports Of Flying Pigs, Freezing Underworld
It could be the end of the world as we know it.
- Finally, TV Warning Labels That Mean Something
We've all been desensitized to sex and violence, but not product placements.
- Cubs, Red Sox Reach Playoffs; Scientists Closely Monitor Livestock
If you see pigs in the sky, contact your local authorities immediately.
- SEMO Offers "The Art Of Goofing Off: Procrastination In Modern Society"
The university is making an honest effort to offer programs that actually connect with students.
- This Product Endorsed By Lewis & Clark
No 1800s explorers were consulted in the making of this endorsement.
- California Governor Gray Davis Is A... Genius!
Every Gray cloud has a silver lining.
- Lawyers File Suit Against Illinois For Promoting Obesity
Drop that Official State Snack and nobody gets fat.
- Local Man Nearly Dies Laughing
The next commercial break could be your last.
- Dateline 2004: SEMO Chooses Inoffensive, Meaningless Name For New Mascot
A mascot by any other name is still just as offensive to somebody.
- World's Largest City Without A Tourist Attraction
Cape Girardeau has just found its calling.
- World's Biggest Hoax Uncovered
The Harvard of the Midwest does it again.
- Jackson Police Bust Illegal Yard Sales
Show us your papers, please.
- Suddenly, Everybody Wants To Be A 'Holden'
With state jobs available, who wouldn't want to be related to the Governor?
- Yellow Dog Runs For Missouri Governor
Will Bob Holden be KO'd by a K-9?
- Bush Unable To Prove Existence Of Saddam Hussein
Dubya has a whole lot of explanin' to do.
- SEMO Tuition Will Equal Harvard Tuition In 2023
Kudzu meets Ivy League.
- Spring Cleanup Causes Traffic Gridlock, Hot Tempers
If you want to pick up that used refrigerator, please pull over to the side of the street so as not to block traffic.
- Vast Left Wing Conspiracy Theorists Claims It's All A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
The Truth Is Out There(tm) -- but not in this article.
- SEMO, er, Southeast Asks Missouri Legislature For Name Change
Southeast is simply too dated.
- Iraq Launches Invasion Of France, Establishes Dictatorship
France has been conquered once again.
- Man Born On April Fools Day Sues To Have Birthday Changed
He's getting sick of the April Fool's Day baby jokes.
- Headlines From The Gulf War 2.0
Stories you won't find on lamestream TV news broadcasts.
- "Daddy, Can I Be A Murderous Dictator When I Grow Up?"
Children now have a new role model to emulate.
- PETA Blamed For Drinking Binges Resulting In 52 Fatal Cow Collisions
The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again.
- Dear The Cape Rock
Here come the blithering idiots.
- Local Scientist Unveils Perfect Earthquake Prediction System
It's the real deal.
- The Cape Rock Lobbies For TIF Project, 50-Floor World Headquarters Tower
Subdivisions? Golf courses? Baseball stadiums? We can do better.
- Ugly People Protest Against CBS, Survivor
Plain-looking people are disenfranchised on TV.
- Move To Illinois And Receive An Exclusive 50% Discount On Taxes!
...And if you relocate within the next 30 days, you'll receive a limited-edition autographed letter from the Governor!
- University's Sociology, Anthropology Departments Reported Missing
First the Center for Earthquake Studies, and now this...
- 2003: Year In Preview
Forget about 2002, let's look at what awaits us in 2003.
- Dateline 2006: Republicans Retain Control, World Still Hasn't Ended
For many Democrats, the news still hasn't quite sunk in.
- Lewis And Clark Urinated Here State Park
Quick, somebody build a bunch of historical markers!
- Third Parties Look Beyond Criminals, Crackpots For Token Candidates
Next election, third parties will look for some slightly more respectable candidates.
- MoDOT Places "Tip Jars" Along Highways
Don't like the condition of Missouri highways? Then put your loose change where your mouth is!
- East Cape Businesses Provide Free Transportation Over Death Trap... Er, Bridge
Finally, a solution for bridgeophobia.
- Dateline 2004: Florida Introduces "Idiot-Proof" Election System
But will it also work when fools and morons use it?
- Welcome To Druryville
If you can't beat 'em, found your own city.
- New Restaurant Offers Decisions, Decisions
Attain a crying-baby-free existence.
- Airport Security Catches 100% Of Nail Clippers
But that doesn't mean the war against terrorism is over.
- Payday Loan Businesses Invade Allenville
Several business hope to cash in on Allenville's lack of cash.
- George Bush Delivers 152.3 Tons Of Intelligence Documents To Dick Gephardt
Be careful what you wish for...
- Local Police Paralyzed By Major Accident On County Line
What happens when the front and rear tires are in different counties?
- Dateline 2008: Missouri Big Winner From New Cardinals Stadium In Illinois
So what if the Cardinals move to Illinois?
- "I Lost 250 Dollars In Two Weeks!"
Call 1-800-FAT-SCAM to find out how.
- SIU To Drop Academics, Other Unprofitable Departments
The college hopes to turn itself into a huge fitness gym.
- Thebes, Illinois Changes Name To Thee-bees
Don't forget to walk like an I-gyptian and eat your Vye-enna sausages.
- Claw-Mart Accused Of Discriminating Against "Diversity Challenged" Employees
The company is stuck between a rock and a larger rock.
- Bob Holden Hopes To Consolidate Missouri's Debt Into One Easy Payment
Former State Treasurer Bob Holden decides to take action on the State Treasury.
- Cape Girardeau Resident Still Looking For City Of Roses
City resident Bob Schrimscher has never found what he is looking for.
- Government Unveils New Airline Security Plans
Terrorists won't stand a chance. And neither will the rest of us.
- Santa Claus = Witchcraft
If Harry Potter is Satanic, what about Santa Claus?
- MoDOT Discovers A Solution To Its Financial Problems
The new Diversion Channel bridge will pay for itself.
- AmerenUE Announces New Power Plant For Downtown St. Louis
If the St. Francois Mountains are off-limits, then what about St. Louis?
- Wal-Mart Announces In-Store Freeway System
You'll soon need a driver's license for that shopping cart.
- Local Man Gets Three Years For Tossing Wasp Out Window
But at least he won't get the death penalty.
- Bob Holden Unveils Fee Schedule
The Governor makes it easy to do "business" with the state.
- "Bird Appreciation Day" Voted As Bob Holden's Number One Accomplishment
Missourians will now better appreciate birds, including the turkey known as Bob Holden.
- Local Man Given Citation For Having Fun
You better have a permit for that smile.
- Drive Your Car To School, Go To Jail
Cape Central takes a stand against the most dangerous weapon a student can bring to school.
- The Horrible, Terrible Stop Sign Conspiracy!
Dark, sinister forces are plotting to destroy the city's only roundabout.
- Boeing Lands In Cape Girardeau
Cape Girardeau is proud to announce the latest addition to their fair city.
- Hollywood Markets Children's Material To Adults!
The parade of non-violent puke-inducing TV programming must end!
- Missouri: Where The Potholes Form
Who needs riverboat gambling when you've got pavement gambling?
- First Graders vs. Elected Officials
When it comes to maturity, the two groups are indistinguishable.
- KFVS Sued For Trademark Infringement
Welcome to the Heartland®
- Racial Profiling Laws Don't Go Far Enough!
Racial profiling is bad enough. But what about bumper sticker profiling?
- Missouri Promotes "Buy Cigarettes But Don't Inhale" Program
How can we make more money from cigarette taxes without promoting cigarettes?
- Welcome To The State Formerly Known As Missouri
If sports teams can do it, why can't the government?
- Could Cairo Become The Largest City In The US?
In an effort to increase traffic ticket revenue, Cairo, Illinois is now 1,200 miles long.
- Washington Hit With Severe Paper Shredder Shortage
Clinton doesn't want to get Bush-whacked.
- Democrats Disqualify All But One Vote In Florida
Gore wins the closest Presidential race ever -- with a whole lotta help from his cronies in the Florida Supreme Court.
- Headlines From Across Florida
A sample of breaking news stories from Florida.
- Dexter man awakens from 1999 "turkey coma", just in time to eat again
Turkey is a natural depressant.
- Country Line Dancing Decreases I.Q.
New study proves long-suspected theory.
- Three Trillion Deer "Almost Killed" Last Weekend
Deer hunters report seeing record numbers of deer -- but not necessarily killing them.
- Students In Mrs. Konarski's Third Grade Class Demand A Recount
"We scored more!" the students claim.
- The Deer Know Something
Deer season opened today in Missouri.
- Humor Writers Desperate For A Bush Victory
If Al Gore wins, it could spell disaster for America -- American humor writers, that is.
- Dateline 2002: The Dead Are Voting Democrat!
It all started with the defeat of John Ashcroft...
- Drunk drivers endorse Bush
The Democrats' "November Surprise" has backfired in Missouri.
- Secretary Of State Unveils "Perennial Candidate Discount Program"
Token candidates who run year after year will save 30% on their filing fees.
- Unusual Names for Children Banned as "Child Abuse"; NAACP Files Protest
Just say no to unpronounceable baby names.
- One Candidate Actually Opposes Prescription Drug Programs
But his chances of winning seem very slim.
- 2004 Olympics Awarded to Kelso
It all started as a joke, but now the world will focus on Kelso in 2004.
- The Talking Wall Ornament Epidemic Continues
If things can't possibly get any worse... the Universe finds a way.
- Jackson School Board Reinstates Capital Punishment
School just got a whole lot more polite.
- Muscular Dystrophy Cured; Jerry Lewis Applies for Food Stamps
No more Labor Day telethons.
- World's Longest Running Yard Sale
One family becomes a world record holder.
- Cute girl found in online personal ads
But not everybody believes it.
- New Study Reveals 88% of Rodeo Attendees Have Never Ridden A Horse
There's not a real cowboy for miles.
- Blomeyer Resident Ecstatic Over Election Results
It's a battle between Dutchtown and Blomeyer.
- Richard Nixon wins GOP Primary for Cape House Seat
The outcome of this election came as a complete surprise to everyone.
- Finally, A Good Use For Censorship
Who cares about sex and violence? We really need to worry about campaign rhetoric.
- Huge Sale At OfficeLeast! [Well, Maybe Not]
The quality of a sales promotion is inversely proportional to the length of the fine print.
- The grapevine is alive and well in Neckred County
...And when it comes to news of the utmost importance, it works faster than greased lightning.
- Missouri General Assembly Disbands!
State Legislatures feel that they are getting the shaft -- and they aren't going to take it anymore.
- Local newsanchor says something positive about the Internet!!!
The TV news briefly suspended its anti-Internet stance -- but only briefly.
- Dateline 2005: Anti-pesticide lobbyists wish they hadn't lobbied against pesticides
If you thought the mosquitos and chiggers were bad now...
- Local Religious Activist Invents "Church"
One local resident discovers a solution to the Supreme Court.
- Sensational All-Humidity Diet Unveiled
"Diet and exercise" is just a gimmick to sell more stationary bikes and low-fat TV dinners.
- The Great Cape Race of 2000
When it comes to rush hour in Cape, all bets are off.
- Local Resident Proposes "Suicide Platform" To Reduce Bridge Closings
It's time to provide a safe place for people to threaten suicide without blocking traffic.
- Everyone sick of hearing about "fireworks safety"
Declare independence from over-protective do-gooders.
- Gubernatorial Candidates Debate "Sexfare"
The candidates hope to appeal to a large voting block -- people who aren't getting lucky.
- Leave it to SEMO to leave radioactive material lying around
There's always been something wierd about Magill Hall.
- Eating Rats In An Urban Jungle
Could you survive for two weeks in an urban jungle?
- Angry mob descends on furniture store
One store gets slammed for running a sham promotion.
- Cats: Not Just For Target Practice Anymore
One animal control officer used to have a very effective way of controlling animals.
- Incest Rates Drop Slightly In Neckred County
Inbreeding in Neckred County appears to be on the decline.
- Local Bullies Upset Over Failed Passage Of HB2099
Zero tolerance for smokers might have brought infinite pleasure to bullies.
- Southeast Missourian's Prayer of the Day Saves 100,000th Soul
If you can't go to church, you can always read the newspaper.
- Bootheel Man Sees a Hill for the First Time; Is Hospitalized for Vertigo
He just wasn't prepared for the mountains surrounding Cape Girardeau.
- Elian and Father Sent Back to Cuba, Strapped to Nuclear Missile
It's a win-win situation, except for Fidel.
- John Rocker's Birthday Now a Holiday in Sikeston
Rocker's popularity surges in Sikeston.
- Chaffee Churches Agree: Pretty Much Everyone is Going to Hell
Hell is a growth industry.
- The Going Rate For A Presidential Vote? $152 on eBay.
One man is selling his Constitutional rights for beer money.
- East Prairie School Board Bans Wrestling Clothing and Trash Talk
East Prairie takes wrestling a little too far.
- Making Money From Parking Problems
A group of students are taking matters into their own hands -- and wallets.
- New Madrid County Central Public School Lunch Menu
Another week of quality institutional food from the New Madrid school district.
- SEMO Thrilled by NCAA Tourney Loss
The basketball team might have lost, but that hasn't dampened spirits at all.