Cape To Capitalize On Federal Courthouse Disaster

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on March 16, 2008

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- The towering eyesore on Independence Street -- rumored to be a Federal courthouse -- could make the city a fortune. Tourism officials hope to highlight the courthouse as "America's Biggest Boondoggle" and attract visitors curious to see this pinnacle of Federal incompetence.

Congress To Require Minimum Allowances For Children

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on January 10, 2008

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If adults are required to earn so much an hour, then what about children doing chores? Congress addressed that important question this week when the House and Senate voted to impose mandatory allowance requirements for all children asked by their parents to perform work around the house.

"Slavery is illegal," said Rep. Libby Rull (D-California). "So why do parents force children to rake the leaves or take out the trash without compensation? That's just cruel."

Move Over Atkins, Here Comes The Low-Carbon Diet

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on January 5, 2008

CARBONDALE, ILLINOIS -- Dr. Rod Quackenbush believes that he has found the most effective diet plan ever invented: The Low-Carbon Diet. As the name suggests, the diet features only one rule: Avoid all foods and beverages that contain carbon atoms.

City Installs "Articial Potholes" To Help Enforce Speed Limits

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on December 28, 2007

ARNOLD, MISSOURI -- Bump, grind, bump, crash. That's the sound motorists in Arnold will be hearing soon along city streets thanks to a new program designed to reduce traffic speeds by installing potholes in strategic locations.

Missouri Provides Inspiration For New Military Weapons

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on December 26, 2007

FORT LEONARD WOOD -- Hoping to take advantage of slightly less dollar-intensive weaponry, the U.S. Army today unveiled its new line of "Weapons of Mass Distraction" based on Missouri technology.

"Every Missourian is familiar with the suffering caused by biting and stinging insects during the summer," said Gen. Shocken Awlle. "By weaponizing this kind of misery, we have exactly the tool we need to defeat the terrorists."

"Happy Holidays" No Longer Politically Correct

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on November 28, 2007

SOMEWHERE ON THE LEFT COAST -- Remember when it was safe to wish somebody a "Merry Christmas"? When you could offer "goodwill and peace on Earth" without getting punched in the face? Those days were swept away sometime during the Clinton Administration, when everything was replaced with "Happy Holidays."

However, even that innocuous phrase is now considered politically incorrect. Ms. Libby Rull, Director of the Berkeley Center for Advanced Political Correctness Studies, explains the problem: "Many people suffer from depression at this time of year. Wishing these people 'Happy Holidays' cruelly reminds them of their happiness-deficient status."