- 2004: Year In Preview
James Baughn, December 30, 2003
We've got a slightly-dented second-hand crystal ball and we're not afraid to use it.
- Psssst, Wanna Buy A New Mascot?
Martha Throebeck, December 10, 2003
A 'thousand tales' was just the beginning.
- Welcome To Cape, The City of a Thousand Prostitutes
James Baughn, November 27, 2003
Just when you thought Cape couldn't get any more screwy... it happens.
- Police Bust Black Market Doughnut Smuggling Operation
Martha Throebeck, November 4, 2003
Do you have a permit for that imported doughnut?
- Cubs To Require Training For All Fans
Martha Throebeck, October 20, 2003
Learning When To Catch -- And Not Catch -- Fly Balls 101
- Criminals Applaud Court Decision Delaying Concealed Weapons Law
Martha Throebeck, October 11, 2003
Welcome to Missouri, where the Bill of Rights is anything but.
- Scientists Investigate Reports Of Flying Pigs, Freezing Underworld
Martha Throebeck, October 7, 2003
It could be the end of the world as we know it.
- Finally, TV Warning Labels That Mean Something
Martha Throebeck, October 2, 2003
We've all been desensitized to sex and violence, but not product placements.
- Cubs, Red Sox Reach Playoffs; Scientists Closely Monitor Livestock
Martha Throebeck, September 29, 2003
If you see pigs in the sky, contact your local authorities immediately.
- SEMO Offers "The Art Of Goofing Off: Procrastination In Modern Society"
Martha Throebeck, September 23, 2003
The university is making an honest effort to offer programs that actually connect with students.
- This Product Endorsed By Lewis & Clark
Martha Throebeck, September 11, 2003
No 1800s explorers were consulted in the making of this endorsement.
- California Governor Gray Davis Is A... Genius!
Martha Throebeck, August 13, 2003
Every Gray cloud has a silver lining.
- Lawyers File Suit Against Illinois For Promoting Obesity
Martha Throebeck, August 7, 2003
Drop that Official State Snack and nobody gets fat.
- Local Man Nearly Dies Laughing
Marybeth Niederkorn, August 3, 2003
The next commercial break could be your last.
- Dateline 2004: SEMO Chooses Inoffensive, Meaningless Name For New Mascot
Martha Throebeck, July 29, 2003
A mascot by any other name is still just as offensive to somebody.
- World's Largest City Without A Tourist Attraction
James Baughn, July 22, 2003
Cape Girardeau has just found its calling.
- Dear The Cape Rock
July 21, 2003
Here come the blithering idiots.
- Let's face it, Interstate 66 will likely bypass Cape
James Baughn, July 9, 2003
Kentucky is probably going to win this battle.
- World's Biggest Hoax Uncovered
Marybeth Niederkorn, July 7, 2003
The Harvard of the Midwest does it again.
- Jackson Police Bust Illegal Yard Sales
Martha Throebeck, June 27, 2003
Show us your papers, please.
- Suddenly, Everybody Wants To Be A 'Holden'
Martha Throebeck, May 30, 2003
With state jobs available, who wouldn't want to be related to the Governor?
- Yellow Dog Runs For Missouri Governor
Martha Throebeck, May 28, 2003
Will Bob Holden be KO'd by a K-9?
- New Federal Guidelines Declare 100% Of Population Unhealthy
Martha Throebeck, May 19, 2003
This just in... We're all going to die.
- Bookstore Experiments With Time Travel
Ethan Reese-Whiting, May 14, 2003
Time flies when you're trying to avoid work.
- Bush Unable To Prove Existence Of Saddam Hussein
Martha Throebeck, May 5, 2003
Dubya has a whole lot of explanin' to do.
- SEMO Tuition Will Equal Harvard Tuition In 2023
Martha Throebeck, April 17, 2003
Kudzu meets Ivy League.
- Spring Cleanup Causes Traffic Gridlock, Hot Tempers
Martha Throebeck, April 16, 2003
If you want to pick up that used refrigerator, please pull over to the side of the street so as not to block traffic.
- Vast Left Wing Conspiracy Theorists Claims It's All A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Martha Throebeck, April 9, 2003
The Truth Is Out There(tm) -- but not in this article.
- SEMO, er, Southeast Asks Missouri Legislature For Name Change
Martha Throebeck, April 8, 2003
Southeast is simply too dated.
- Iraq Launches Invasion Of France, Establishes Dictatorship
Martha Throebeck, April 7, 2003
France has been conquered once again.
- Man Born On April Fools Day Sues To Have Birthday Changed
Martha Throebeck, April 1, 2003
He's getting sick of the April Fool's Day baby jokes.
- Putting The "Modular" Back In Modular Homes
Larry Cooner, March 31, 2003
You don't need a lot of money to own a large house.
- Headlines From The Gulf War 2.0
Martha Throebeck, March 30, 2003
Stories you won't find on lamestream TV news broadcasts.
- This Just In: Study Reveals Vast Majority Of Hollywood Celebrities Have No Foreign Policy Experience!
Martha Throebeck, March 25, 2003
The world has just gone topsy-turvy.
- Cape Girardeau Is Not For Sale (Unless The Price Is Right)
Martha Throebeck, March 18, 2003
The city council has opened a whole can of worms.
- Publishers Announce New Line Of 100% Blank High School Textbooks
Martha Throebeck, February 28, 2003
They might be totally content-free: but nobody will get offended!
- PETA Blamed For Drinking Binges Resulting In 52 Fatal Cow Collisions
Martha Throebeck, February 28, 2003
The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again.
- "Daddy, Can I Be A Murderous Dictator When I Grow Up?"
Martha Throebeck, February 28, 2003
Children now have a new role model to emulate.
- I Wish I Were A Middle Eastern Dictator
Martha Throebeck, February 25, 2003
How come Saddam gets all the breaks?
- Local Scientist Unveils Perfect Earthquake Prediction System
Martha Throebeck, February 24, 2003
It's the real deal.
- The Cape Rock Lobbies For TIF Project, 50-Floor World Headquarters Tower
Martha Throebeck, February 18, 2003
Subdivisions? Golf courses? Baseball stadiums? We can do better.
- Ugly People Protest Against CBS, Survivor
Martha Throebeck, February 13, 2003
Plain-looking people are disenfranchised on TV.
- Move To Illinois And Receive An Exclusive 50% Discount On Taxes!
Martha Throebeck, January 22, 2003
...And if you relocate within the next 30 days, you'll receive a limited-edition autographed letter from the Governor!
- University's Sociology, Anthropology Departments Reported Missing
Martha Throebeck, January 21, 2003
First the Center for Earthquake Studies, and now this...
