Man apologizes for not wearing "lucky" Cardinals shirt
Fake News written by on Friday, April 1, 2011
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Local resident Bart Dubeldorf apologized today after he accidentally forgot to wear his lucky Cardinals shirt on Opening Day, breaking a tradition that lasted 10 years. As a result of his mistake, the team lost its Opening Day matchup following an 11th-inning meltdown. The bad luck continued today when it was announced that outfielder Matt Holliday needed an appendectomy and will be out of the lineup for an indeterminate period.
"The bad luck is obviously my fault," Dubeldorf said sheepishly. "I don't know what I was thinking... I always wear the Pujols shirt that I bought during Albert's rookie season. Somehow it slipped my mind. I guess starting the season in March tripped me up."
The team's Vice President of Fan Relations & Superstition Management, Perry Noid, agreed that the team's current misfortunes are probably connected with Dubeldorf, although other factors are at work. "I don't think we can blame him for Wainwright's season-ending injury," the V.P. said, "We're still investigating the cause of that little disaster. Our leading theory is that it was prompted by a particular blogger who boasted at the beginning of spring training that the 'Cardinals will have the best record in baseball this season, I guarantee it.' That kind of irresponsible boasting almost always ends in catastrophe."
Certainly the Cardinals know a thing or two about catastrophes and superstitions. They've witnessed Vince-eating tarps, injury-causing hunting knives, and fear-inducing Pujols contract negotiations. "We try to avoid taking chances, which is why it is imperative that all fans pay close attention to rituals," Noid said. "And please don't tempt the GOBs -- Gods Of Baseball. The future of our team depends on it."
To his credit, Dubeldorf wore his lucky shirt today and plans to wear it through the rest of Opening Weekend -- and maybe beyond if it doesn't stink too much. "Hopefully this will put an end to the team's streak of bad luck," he said, adding quickly and reverently, "GOBs willing."