School evacuated because of second-hand smoke

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, February 28, 2011

from the won't-somebody-think-of-the-children? dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Students at Cape Central Junior High enjoyed some excitement today when the school was evacuated following reports of second-hand smoke from a passing smoker. Just after 1 PM on Monday, a pedestrian was spotted puffing a cigarette while walking down Independence Street. The man disappeared before he could be stopped, but all students and staff were immediately sent home as a safety precaution.

"We simply can't have our students exposed to any carcinogenic second-hand smoke, no matter how dilute," explained principal Cyl E. Mann. "The wind was blowing south from the street, so we were definitely concerned about contamination. Our janitorial staff hopes to clean the entire campus this evening, allowing us to reopen tomorrow morning. We'll install additional air-quality monitors just in case."

As a result of the incident, the Cape School Board is researching the cost and feasibility of installing new anti-smoking technology at all district schools.

"One school district in California built a translucent dome that covers all of their buildings, keeping away second-hand smoke, UV radiation, traffic noise, fireplace smoke, cell phone signals, and other dangerous environmental factors," explained board president Luna Tikk. "The best part is that thousands of cameras can be mounted above the dome, providing real-time data on the exact location of all students at all times. If a student tries to smuggle in a dangerous weapon like a toothpick, we'll know it immediately."

With a price tag of over $500 million, however, it's unlikely that a dome would be feasible. Another popular option features a surface-to-smoker missile system that would fire a powerful airborne flame retardant against any person within a 5 mile range carrying a lighted nicotine device.

"It's a little excessive, but our lawyers believe such a system is perfectly legal," Tikk said. "After all, smokers are the one group of people that can be legally discriminated against."

It's unlikely that any new anti-smoking system could be installed before the end of the school year, leading to some consternation by concerned parents.

"Why didn't they do something about this problem earlier?" railed one concerned parent. "Won't somebody think of the children? Why is it possible for some guy to just walk past the school and contaminate the whole place with his deadly poison? It's ridiculous!"

In the meantime, the Cape Police Department has been following numerous leads to track down the identity of the smoking pedestrian, but haven't made much progress so far. "This dirtbag has endangered the lives of hundreds of students because of his irresponsible actions," said an assistant prosecutor. "Smoking within 25 miles of a school is a serious crime."