Missouri To Host Little Miss Fetus U.S.A. Beauty Pageant

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, February 1, 2010

from the a-real-million-dollar-baby dept.

ST. LOUIS -- Now children don't have to wait until they are 3 or 4 years old to participate in a major beauty contest. Thanks to the first annual Little Miss Fetus U.S.A. Contest to be held next month in St. Louis, it will be possible for babies to win prizes and fame while still in the womb.

"If a baby hasn't participated in a beauty pageant by the third trimester, it's too late," said event organizer Shay Dee Mann. "All of the other fetuses will have a head start that will be hard to overcome."

Judges will mark scores in five main events: Best Ultrasound Presentation, Talent Show, Question & Answer, Amniotic Swimsuit Competition, and Closest Mother-Fetus Lookalike.

While these events may seem difficult to televise, the pageant's press kit boasts, "Modern technology makes this easy. We can show real-time ultrasound images, and more developed participants can communicate by kicking -- once for 'no', twice for 'yes'. The talent portion is quite fascinating to watch."

The leading contender, Miss Fetus Alabama, has perfected a talent routine that features somersaults synchronized to the beat of several pop songs. She also wowed judges with her answer to the question "Should the Supreme Court overturn Roe v. Wade?" Despite her success, some bookmakers are concerned that she might be delivered prematurely before the event, making her ineligible.

"I have my money on Miss Texas: she has the most flawless ultrasound presentation of any fetus that has ever competed," said a pageant fan. "Just imagine what her parents will be able to do with make-up afer she is born!"

Not everybody is enthusiastic about the event. One naysayer nay-sayed, "This is an outrage! It's bad enough that we have three year olds strutting around like sluts across a pageant stage, but now even fetuses can't avoid the pressure and embarrassment of these competitions."

The winner of the contest will advance to represent the U.S. in the Miss Womb Universe Pageant, scheduled for Atlantic City in April.