SEMO: Please Park Illegally, We Need The Money
Fake News written by on Monday, October 27, 2008
Are you a college student who diligently obeys the parking regulations on campus? How dare you, cheapskate! By avoiding parking tickets, you are depriving the university of a valuable revenue stream.
Parking fines at Southeast Missouri State University have decreased 15% during the last year as more students have finally gotten a handle on the college's arcane parking regulations.
"It took three years, but I've finally found the secret to parking on campus: don't park on campus," said senior Al Kaholl. "They can't give you a ticket if you're ten blocks away. Plus, I've finally lost my 'freshmen fifteen' from all of the walking I've done along New Madrid Street."
The decline in parking ticket revenues comes at a particularly difficult time thanks to the global economic meltdown. The Center for Alumni Studies, usually the most profitable department on campus, has suffered from a serious decline in donations by alumni."
"We've always been very good at annoying the crap out of alumni to maximize the amount of money they donate," explained a university employee who wished to remain anonymous. "For the last century, we've relied on rich alumni to donate the most money. But now we don't have any rich alumni.
As a result of the funding gap, the university is now encouraging students and even faculty to park illegally. "Please park anywhere you want," the university announced yesterday in a surprise statement. "We need the money."
To drive the point home, many of SEMO's familiar "No Parking" signs will be replaced by shiny new signs reading, "Please park here, it will only cost your parents $50" and "Support Your School, Park Illegally!"
Moreover, the college will triple the size of its parking police force, making it the largest law-enforcement organization in Missouri. "We're investing a lot of money in this project, so it better pay off," said the Assistant Director of Creative Funding Sources. He added, strictly off the record, "Our students have been too damned law-abiding, the bastards! That has got to change!"