NCAA Dispatches "Enforcement Squad" To Rewrite History
Fake News written by on Tuesday, June 24, 2008
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Let the book burnings begin. This week, the NCAA® handed down the punishment for recruiting violations in the SEMO womens basketball program: the elimination of two seasons from the record books. Now it's up to the NCAA Enforcement Squad(tm) to make sure that all references to these games are completely wiped from history.
"It's quite simple: those games do not exist," said Special Agent Gus Toppoh. "Anybody who writes, speaks, mentions, or even thinks about the vacated 2004-05 and 2005-06 seasons will be in violation of NCAA rules and subject to serious consequences."
It's not immediately clear what those consequences might entail, although we probably don't want to find out. A total of 263 NCAA enforcement agents have been deployed by parachute into Cape Girardeau and will occupy the campus and city for several months -- or even years -- until 100% of history is successfully rewritten.
During the first phase of "Operation Wipeout", an estimated 110 tons of media guides, recruiting literature, books, newspapers, magazines, banners, trophies, certificates, clothes, and other items will be burned this week at a massive bonfire near the Show Me Center. "Any material related to the Southest womens basketball program from the last few years must be eliminated. There will be no exceptions," the NCAA announced in a televised statement.
So far, the NCAA clean-up process has been relatively peaceful, although one altercation did break out on Friday when a professor in the English Department refused to allow NCAA agents to confiscate a prohibited item from his office (in this case, an old calendar featuring a photo from one of the games that no longer exist). Thanks to the judicious use of a Taser, the situation was brought under control and the verboten calendar was added to the bonfire pile without further incident.
During the next enforcement phase, the NCAA will install surveillance cameras, microphones, and wiretaps throughout campus to monitor conversations for illegal phrases, such as "Coach Smith" or "OVC Championship." People found willfully violating NCAA rules will be swiftly expelled from the college and blacklisted from ever attending an NCAA-affiliated institution.
"We take these matters very seriously," explained an NCAA agent while running an OVC Championship banner through an industrial shredder. "Southeast demonstrated a lack of institutional control and we are exercising the 'Nuclear Option' to make an example of them and ensure that all other colleges comply with the rules. We consider recruiting violations to be on par with terrorism."