Congress To Require Minimum Allowances For Children

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, January 10, 2008

from the gimme-gimme-gimme dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If adults are required to earn so much an hour, then what about children doing chores? Congress addressed that important question this week when the House and Senate voted to impose mandatory allowance requirements for all children asked by their parents to perform work around the house.

"Slavery is illegal," said Rep. Libby Rull (D-California). "So why do parents force children to rake the leaves or take out the trash without compensation? That's just cruel."

Under the bill, parents must pay their children on a sliding scale based on age and number of hours of work per week. The amount can easily be calculated using a ten-page formula on the new IRS Form ABCW-2. Children must also pay income tax on the allowance earnings.

"Parents and youngsters have been evading taxes for too long," said Sen. Robert Fattecat (R-Washington). "This bill requires that children receive just compensation for their work, while also ensuring that Uncle Sam receives his fair share."

Proponents argued that the bill will stimulate the economy by giving adolescents more spending money. "It's never too early to teach our children the value of consumerism, the engine that powers the American Dream," said a spokesperson for the parent company of MTV. "The problem is that adults have disposable income but aren't as interested in shiny things. Children love shiny things, but don't have the disposable income. But that's all about to change."

The bill enjoyed strong bipartanship support. Democrats hope that the plan will give children the economic power and motivation to unionize and become lifelong supporters of organized labor. Republicans hope that the plan will stimulate the so-called Preteen Industrial Complex, including clothing and video game manufacturers.

"It's a win-win situation for everybody, except parents," explained Sen. Robert Fattecat (R-Washington). But who cares about them? They're too busy taking their kids to soccer practice to worry about voting or making political contributions."