Move Over Atkins, Here Comes The Low-Carbon Diet

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, January 5, 2008

from the just-say-no-to-carbon dept.

CARBONDALE, ILLINOIS -- Dr. Rod Quackenbush believes that he has found the most effective diet plan ever invented: The Low-Carbon Diet. As the name suggests, the diet features only one rule: Avoid all foods and beverages that contain carbon atoms.

"It's a proven scientific fact: Everything that is bad for you contains carbon. Avoid carbon, and you'll lose weight guaranteed."

That's easier said than done, however. Carbon is never listed by itself on ingredient labels.

"Carbon is everywhere," said Quackenbush while nursing a bottle of distilled water. "And yet the food industry doesn't want you to know that. It's all an elaborate conspiracy by the evil Big Carbon companies."

In the first chapter of the book, the doctor writes, "Sugars, fats, proteins -- not to mention carbohydrates -- are all carbon-based. While other fad diets try to eliminate one of these groups from your food, the secret is to eliminate all of them. In the next 21 chapters, I'll explain how to do that."

During a clinical trial, one obese patient went from 312 pounds to 79 pounds while following the diet -- all without much exercise. Unfortunately, he unexpectedly died from scurvy, but Quackenbush believes that this was "merely coincidental."

"We can duplicate these weight-loss results for everybody that follows my diet. No carbon, no obesity. It's just that simple."