Missouri Provides Inspiration For New Military Weapons

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, December 26, 2007

from the axis-of-itchy dept.

FORT LEONARD WOOD -- Hoping to take advantage of slightly less dollar-intensive weaponry, the U.S. Army today unveiled its new line of "Weapons of Mass Distraction" based on Missouri technology.

"Every Missourian is familiar with the suffering caused by biting and stinging insects during the summer," said Gen. Shocken Awlle. "By weaponizing this kind of misery, we have exactly the tool we need to defeat the terrorists."

The Army plans to deploy massive quantities of Missouri-bred ticks, chiggers, wasps, and hornets to the Middle East in 2008. "After we exploit this attack vector, the terrorists won't know what hit them."

Researchers at the Army's Invasive Species Weaponry Lab were skeptical at first that ticks and chiggers could survive Iraq's sweltering heat. "What we discovered in testing, however, is that the hot, dry climate just makes chiggers even madder. And you don't even want to know what happens when brown recluse spiders are deployed to the desert."

If the plan proves successful, the Navy hopes to pursue a similar plan involving ICBMs (Inter-Continenal Ballastic Mosquitoes). Not to be left behind, the Air Force is tinkering with "Daisy Scratchers" (a type of killer horsefly) while the Marines are working on genetically-engineered fire ants.

"These Weapons of Mass Distraction are perfectly legal under international law," said a spokesperson for the Bush Administration. "Nobody gets killed -- and the bite marks and scars will heal within 5 years."

Despite the obvious advantages of this new technology, some critics are concerned that the weapons could fall into enemy hands. "Just imagine what the terrorists could do with a breeding population of Missouri red wasps. I hope our troops are ready to defend against roadside IEDs (Improvised Entymological Devices) that explode and fill the sky with angry stinging insects. This can only end badly."