Test Scores Up 1000% After School Expels Dumb Students

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, November 26, 2007

from the a-practical-application-for-zero-tolerance dept.

ST. LOUIS COUNTY -- One school district in Missouri has found the perfect solution for complying with No Child Left Behind mandates: expelling the really dumb kids who score poorly on standardized tests.

"This is such an elegant solution, I can't believe that we're the first to think of it," exclaimed the assistant superintendent at Pretentious Estates School District in suburban St. Louis County. "Our test results have improved so much that we've qualified for a 74% increase in state funding!"

It was quite easy for the school administration to find reasons to expel the "test score deficient" students. It's not uncommon for students to inadvertently bring "dangerous weapons" to school, including nail clippers, wooden rulers, sharp scissors, and backpacks loaded with 10 pounds of textbooks. The school was able to immediately expel 42 such students on a particular Monday morning.

Another dozen students were banned after they wrote essays about subversive, terrorist-related topics such as defending the First Amendment, promoting the use of underground websites like Facebook and MySpace, and describing hunting and fishing trips that amounted to little more than animal cruelty episodes.

Several more pupils were given the boot after they dropped various curse words, including the infamous "S" word ("sucks"). Finally, three more high school students were disciplined after they were late making monthly payments on their $1,000 annual parking permit.

"It's like shooting fish in a barrel," said the school's Director of Discipline Management. "We were able to eliminate almost everybody on our target list of students that scored poorly in last year's tests. So far, we've seen a 1000% improvement in cumulative test scores for this semster."

As an added bonus, the local economy has thrived with the influx of ex-students looking for part-time work. "We usually have trouble filling all of our positions," said a manager at a neighborhood Rob 'n Run convenience store. "But now we're overloaded with applicants from former students desperate for money and with lots of free time. They're not very bright, but they work cheap."

The only downside, say school administrators, is that some straight-A students are taking advantage of the situation, knowing that the school will be reluctant to punish people that are so essential to the bottom line. "We've got a couple nerds who aced the MAP test last year -- they could commit murder for all we care, as long as they deliver a perfect score again this year.

Just last month, an honor student was caught operating a cigarette smuggling operation out of a janitor's closet. He was punished by writing a ten-word essay on the dangers of smoking and surrendering a 25% share of his profits. "The punishment was a little unorthodox, I admit, but it got the job done and protected our interests."

While some parents have expressed outrage over the school's methods (especially the parents of the expelled students), their cries have fallen on deaf ears. "State and federal education bureaucrats only care about numbers," said the chairman of the school board. "And they're downright ecstatic about our performance. And when they're happy, we're happy. That's all that matters."