Hospitals Sign "Treaty of Kingshighway"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, February 20, 2007

from the asphalt-curtain dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- For decades, a cold war has been waged between Southeast Missouri Hospital and Saint Francis Medical Center. Not anymore. Earliar today, dignitaries from both hospitals signed the Treaty of Kingshighway, putting an end to the hostilities.

The treaty divides the city two zones, with the boundary running down Kingshighway. Saint Francis will be allowed to expand anywhere west of the highway, while Southeast will retain control of everything to the east. Both hospitals will be allowed to accept patients from anywhere, but neither hospital will be permitted to expand its facilities across the boundary.

"Once upon a time, Cape Girardeau was a city with two hospitals," explained an ambassador from Saint Francis. "But thanks to rapid expansion and the signing of this landmark treaty, Cape Girardeau is now two hospitals with a city."

"We were getting worried that Saint Francis would continue expanding eastward and eventually collide with our own campus," said a spokeswoman for Southeast Hospital. "At current growth rates, we predict both hospital complexes will cover most of the city by the year 2023. There's no need to worry. By ratifying this treaty, everybody has plenty of room to expand. Well, everybody except the university -- they're going to be landlocked."

The treaty also spells out limits for advertising campaigns. Southeast's recent promotional blitz, which implied that Saint Francis spends too much money on its own promotional blitzes, was not well received by the community. Articles 1 through 26 of the treaty expressly prohibit attack ads aimed at each other.

"We realized that attacking our neighbors wasn't helping anything," said a public relations worker at Southeast. "We're all in this together -- we both want to help cure diseases, build bigger and bigger edifices, and enlarge our domination over the entire region. It was time to put an end to the childish fighting. Instead, we need to refocus our energies against the real enemy threat -- those darned hospitals in St. Louis and Memphis that are sucking away patients at an alarming rate."

Southeast Hospital has already announced plans to commemorate this historic milestone with a new mural to be painted on the outside of one of its buildings along Broadway. Not to be outdone, Saint Francis quickly commissioned a massive sculpture that will be installed next to William Street.

"This treaty will usher in a new era of prosperity, progress, and pretentiousness," said a spokesperson for Saint Francis. "We will spare no expense to memorialize this grand achievement. Let the good times roll!"