Snowstorm Dumps .36 Inches Of Snow; State Of Emergency Declared

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, February 1, 2007

from the oh-the-humanity dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Choas gripped Southeast Missouri today as a freak February snowstorm covered the area in a smothering blanket of snow, with Cape Girardeau receiving a whopping .36 inches of the white stuff during a 45-minute blizzard.

Missouri Governor Matt Blunt deployed the National Guard to restore order, help stranded motorists, and deliver emergency shipments of milk and bread to stores that were ransacked by panicky shoppers before the snowstorm struck last night.

"A disaster of this magnitude requires the best recovery efforts that taxpayers can buy," said a disheveled Blunt from the Governor's Mansion in Springfield. "Don't worry, Southeast Missouri, help is on the way."

The command bunker at the State Emergency Management Agency in Jefferson City quickly shifted to a Level 1A state of emergency, with every available person helping to execute the emergency response plan, a 12,430-page document that took 12 years to develop.

"Our staff is definitely getting a workout today," said a SEMA official. "This is the worst snow we've seen since the Blizzard of '06," she added for dramatic effect. It wasn't immediately clear whether she was talking about a snowstorm from 1906 or 2006, but the severity of the situation was painfully clear.

SEMA officials agreed that the most dangerous aspect of any snowstorm are the school closings. "We have thousands upon thousands of unaccompanied minors possibly roaming the streets enjoying the day off from school. That can't be good. We need to think of the children at all times."

The list of school closings was so long that an exasperated announcer on KFVS-TV finally said, "Oh, the hell with it. Every school in our viewing area is closed. OK? Is that so hard to understand? Why do we even bother trying to list all of them? I mean, does anybody even care about Neelys Landing Head Start?"

An economist at Southeast Missouri State University -- apparently the only person who ventured on campus -- made some quick calculations suggesting that the snow crisis could have a $1.5 billion total impact on the economy.

"Lots of children and adults stay home during these conditions and sit on the couch watching daytime TV. Our computer models show that the average person gains 0.012 pounds during a snow day, which will ultimately cost $1,200 in additional medical bills over the course of their lifespan. When you include various multiplier effects, the regional economic impact could very easily reach ten figures."