Dateline 2009: Neighborhood Ruined By Senior Delinquents
Fake News From The Future posted by on Sunday, October 15, 2006
1400 BLOCK OF LEWIS STREET -- It all seemed so innocent at first. A developer wanted to build multi-family housing for low-income senior citizens on some vacant land in the Lewis Street area. Neighbors fought the proposal tooth and nail, arguing that the development would drive down property values all around.
And they were right. Soon after the "Geriatric Gardens" complex opened, a pack of senior delinquents moved in, playing loud Frank Sinatra and Patsy Cline music at all hours, making prescription drug deals in broad daylight, and running over people with electric scooters. The surrounding neighborhood went downhill in a hurry.
"It's been horrible," said an irate homeowner at 1489 Lewis who has seen his property value drop 25% over the last year. "I'd rather live next to a crack house. Who knew the elderly could be such troublemakers? I expected little old ladies sitting on their porches discussing each other's upcoming gall bladder surgeries. Instead, we get bedlam."
The situation came to a head last week when a melee broke out between two rival over-65 gangs, the Viagrators and the Medicare Mafia. According to a police report, a prescription drug deal went bad and the groups went on a violent rampage. Nobody was killed, but almost everybody was taken to the hospital with chest pains.
"Canes, walkers, and toupees were flying," said one observer who wished to remain anonymous, knowing full well that the Medicare Mafia doesn't take too kindly to snitches. "Finally, the ringleader for the Viagrators drove his electric scooter into the crowd, causing several serious hip injuries."
So far, the police have been unable to deal with the geezer crime wave. "We can't use the same tactics that we would use against 19-year-old hoodlums," said one patrolman. "You hit an octagenarian with a taser -- even on the lowest setting -- and he's likely to have a heart attack on the spot. Or maybe he'll just fall asleep on you. Either way, it can be a scary situation."
Another officer added, "Don't even think about using normal handcuffs on one of these punks, their shriveled wrists will slip right through. And if you're not careful, they will try to eat you alive with their dentures -- those teeth might be fake, but they're still damn sharp."
The developer isn't having much luck controlling his tenants, either. "Obtaining an eviction order is almost impossible," he lamented. "No judge is ever going to order a 93-year-old out into the streets, even if the bastard has been making a fortune from bootlegging vinyl records."
"I wish the developer had built cheap housing for college fraternities or something," said another outraged neighbor. "It would have been much quieter and safer. Just last week I caught my son hanging out with one of the 75-year-old Viagra dealers around the corner. What a terrible influence. I just hope we can find a nice home in another neighborhood before it's too late!"