Newsflash: SEMO Excommunicated From NCAA For "Political Correctness" Violations
Fake News written by on Saturday, April 22, 2006
Exclusive Report from TheCapeRock.com
In an unprecedented move, the NCAA will announce next week the complete excommuncation of Southeast Missouri State University. According to an anonymous inside source, an investigation by the NCAA uncovered "literally hundreds of examples" of political correctness violations and other problems.
"Investigators found a pattern of non-liberal conduct unbecoming of a place of higher learning," explained our source. "They found a total lack of institutional control. The final straw, I think, was when it was publicly revealed that the school's official fight song contained a few bars from 'God Bless America'. That is, after all, a blatant violation of the NCAA's long-standing policy against patriotism and Christian religious themes."
While the NCAA's official announcement and report will not be released for a few more days, we have been able to determine some of the "violations" that were uncovered:
- Southeast allows regional high school bands with Native American mascots (gasp!) to continue playing at their Homecoming Parade and other events.
- Southeast's new mascot, the Redhawks, is also the brand name of a line of pistols produced by Ruger®. According to liberal orthodoxy and the NCAA's accepted worldview, guns are evil, people who promote guns are evil, and therefore SEMO is evil.
- Can you say "Hometown of Rush Limbaugh"? Sure, he never graduated from SEMO, but according to liberal groupthink, any place associated with Limbaugh is automatically suspect.
- On Jan. 27, 1997, at 10:15 AM in Johnson Hall Room 103, a professor reportedly made an offhand -- but highly positive -- reference to the Christian God during class. This horrible lapse in judgement did not go unnoticed.
- Southeast has failed to offer enough degree programs in "progressive" fields, such as Transgender Humanist Conflict Studies, Environmental Racism Interpretation, and Cross-Cultural Equality Perspectives. "The college continues to offer outdated programs like Mathematics, Agriculture, and Business Administration, which are no longer relevant in the modern diverse world," our source explained. "Until Southeast can get with the program, they don't belong in the NCAA."
- Southeast's faculty lacks diversity. According to a recent survey, nearly 70% of tenured professors speak English as a first language. "That's intolerable," said our source. "Only 30% of the staff come from other countries? That's a pittance compared with most schools. It's obvious that SEMO doesn't take diversity seriously -- if students are only exposed to mostly American professors with preconceived Western biases, then they are not receiving the well-rounded education that they deserve."
- While the college deserves liberal kudos for its River Campus initiative, the entire project is doomed because a Christian cross will be allowed to remain standing on top of the old Seminary building. "The presence of Christian symbology is unacceptable. When I see a cross, I think of oppression, the Crusades, unilateral military invasions, fundamentalism, and brainwashing -- frankly, the whole thing makes my blood boil," said our NCAA insider. He or she added, "And don't even get me started about the Catholic Church's habit of excommunicating people because of heresy!"
The NCAA recently invented a "Liberal Conformity Rating" to judge the political correctness of each college campus. On a scale from 1 to 100, SEMO was rated a mere 5.3. The highest rated school, UC-Berkeley, earned a whopping 123.9 rating.
"Southeast might as well change its name to the Rush Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies," said one of the token liberal professors in the Biology Department. "It's about time somebody took notice. Unfortunately, the loss of NCAA accreditation means that I'll probably lose my job -- and my resume will be tainted forever. It's all Bush's fault!"