Illinois Bans Cellphones While Walking

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, January 13, 2006

from the don't-even-think-about-using-walkie-talkies dept.

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS -- Citing an alarming number of recent accidents involving pedestrians and cellphones, Illinois Governor Rod Blagowhatever today signed into law the "Don't Walk and Talk Act" that will prohibit the use of cellphones while "walking, jogging, strolling, running, sprinting, hopping, sauntering, dancing, or engaging in any other bipedal movement, except during an emergency."

According to a study conducted by the Paranoid Parent Partnership, an interest group devoted to safety, the number of Illinois pedestrians that have suffered cellphone-related mishaps has increased a whopping 100% since 1978.

"Talking on the phone is a serious distraction that can cause people to trip over cracks in the sidewalk, walk across a busy street without looking both ways, or even slam into a utility pole," said the co-founder of the PPP. He added, "I should know... you can still see the letters SBC on my forehead from a collision I suffered last month."

Rep. Werr E. Whart, co-sponsor of the bill, boasted, "It's about time we start thinking about the children. How many kids have been stepped on by absent-minded adults that are too busy yakking on a cellphone to pay attention to where they're walking? This injustice must stop! But thanks to the Don't Walk and Talk Act, it will."

Whart also proposed amendments that would have outlawed walking while chewing gum, running with scissors, or listening to the radio on a riding lawnmower, but these ideas were all rejected. However, they may resurface in the next legislative session.

"It's never too late to talk about safety," Whart said. "People need to realize that multitasking is not safe at any speed. I don't care if you have an IQ of 200, you can still choke on your gum just as easily as the next guy."