Court: "Happy Holidays" Just As Offensive As "Merry Christmas"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, December 12, 2005

from the not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that dept.

SAN LOCO, CALIFORNIA -- In an outcome that doesn't come as much surprise, the U.S. Ninth Circus Court of Appeals today ruled that the city of San Loco's "Happy Holidays" banners are an unconstitutional form of religious discrimination against atheists and other groups that do not celebrate holidays.

"It's about time that people realize that merely changing 'Merry Christmas' to 'Happy Holidays' does nothing to reduce the offensiveness of these pro-Christian brainwashing slogans," said plaintiff Liddy Gant, the owner of a tofu restaurant in San Loco. "Our leaders are only paying lip service to the ideals of political correctness."

In the majority opinion, the court writes, "The root of the word 'holiday' is 'holy'. By making the proclamation 'Happy Holidays', the city of San Loco is espousing a position that happiness flows from the celebration of holy events. This position is simply unacceptable in modern society. The government has no right to force, or even encourage, people to be happy and/or holy."

The decision also prohibits the city from holding its annual "Holiday Parade" or any other yuletide-related events. "The Holiday Parade unfairly inconveniences non-holiday observers by denying them access to public property (the streets) during the parade. This creates an intimidating environment in which non-celebrants are made to feel inferior based on their beliefs."

Not everybody is happy with the ruling. "First they take the Christ out of Christmas, and now they've taken the Holy out of Holidays," said one regular churchgoer who wished to remain anonymous to avoid retaliation. "I can't wait to see their next ruling. Baptism taxes? Prayer permits? Automatic deportation of Christians to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? I'm moving to the Midwest as soon as possible."

One pastor said, "The Christmas season is all about happiness and sharing. So exactly what part of 'peace on Earth' or 'goodwill to men' do these idiots have a problem with? If they want to be miserable, unhappy, and selfish, they should do it in the privacy of their own homes and not inflict their beliefs on everybody else."

Even some liberals are upset about the case. "This just makes California look even more stupid than usual. If it wasn't for our economic power and delightful weather, the rest of the country would have expelled California a long time ago."

Despite the outcry, plaintiff Liddy Gant has plans for additional court challenges. "When you look at a map of California, you see all of these cities named after saints and other religious sources. San Francisco? Los Angeles? Sacremento? These names represent a subtle form of Christian indoctrination that must be eliminated from today's pluralistic society!"