Local Baseball Player "Fails" Drug Test

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, May 31, 2005

from the shame-shame-shame dept.

NECKRED COUNTY -- J. J. Johnson, outfielder for the Neckred County Corn Pones, was suspended two weeks after a random drug test revealed that he was 100% free from steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.

"This is an outrage," said Corn Pones coach Darryl Seabaw. "We expect our players to do everything possible to improve their athletic performance. By failing to take any drugs whatsoever, Johnson has clearly demonstrated that he is not committed to winning."

Johnson, batting only .197 during the first 14 games of the season, could certainly use some performance-enhancing drugs. "This guy had the whole offseason to bulk up on steroids," said hitting coach Billy Urtmann. "But he failed to do so, letting all of us down. And now he's on the wrong side of the Mendoza Line."

Until this year, the 6'2" player from rural Neckred County was considered one of the top prospects in the Semi-Professional Sorta-Independent Midwest Triple-B League. However, his failed drug test could put a serious crimp in his career plans.

"With the season already underway, Johnson simply won't have enough time to bulk up and reach the same level of juiceness as everybody else in the league," said the guy who plays the team's mascot during home games. "Let's face it... he's at a serious disadvantage."

Johnson was busy injecting himself with who-knows-what and was therefore unavailable for comment at press time.