Newsflash: Scientists Discover Person With "Ideal Body Weight"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, April 25, 2005

from the too-good-to-be-true dept.

BETHESDA, MARYLAND -- In a revelation that has shaken the medical community to its core, doctors in Maryland located a person with an ideal body weight that doesn't have an eating disorder.

"We didn't think such a thing was possible," explained Dr. Rasheed Satyamouthful. "All of our textbooks will need to be rewritten."

Unfortunately, as soon as scientists realized the magnitude of their finding, the subject, Sarah Williamson, went to an all-you-can-eat buffet and quickly gained weight.

The Guiness Book of World Records committee is currently reviewing the situation to determine whether Williamson achieved a world record by maintaining an ideal body weight for a stunning 27 hours and 13 minutes.

"If true, then this would be an absolutely amazing achievement," said a Guiness spokesperson. "However, we're going to remain skeptical until we see the proof. For all we know, somebody's scale might be out of whack."

The discovery will likely bring huge consequences for doctors and dieticians. "In the past, we've always brow-beat people for eating unhealthy diets, but nobody actually believed that you could lose that much weight naturally without resorting to vomiting, stomach stapling, or Chinese water torture. This changes everything. The old mantra about 'diet and exercise' might actually hold some meaning in the real world."

One health crusader seized on the news to promote her "separation of fat and state" campaign. "Everybody's paranoid about removing religion from schools, but what about fat? That's the real enemy. It's time to ban any school food that remotely tastes good and is therefore unhealthy."

In related news, the Food and Drug Administration this week unveiled an upgraded "Food Dodecahedron" as a replacement for the obsolete Food Pyramid. The bizarre three-dimensional figure includes 12 sides featuring such food groups as Grains, Dairy, Seafood, Vegatables, Tofu, and a catch-all junk food group labeled The 99% Of Everything Else That's Unhealthy.