Police Realize Student Is Member Of Football Team, Drop Charges
Fake News written by on Friday, March 11, 2005
DEXTER -- It all started when Eric Ericson was the only student in Mrs. Orkney's World History class to sit through another educational video without falling asleep. The teacher was immediately suspicious and called police. Within minutes, a team of investigators had arrived on campus and quickly searched through Ericson's car.
During the search, they were horrified to find a potentially deadly weapon (a rubber band that could double as a slingshot) and an unlimited supply of ammunition (rocks surrounding the car in the gravel parking lot). Without a minute to lose, the county prosecutor charged the sophomore with a series of Class C felonies for unlawful possession, use, and transportation of a dangerous weapon within 10,000,000 feet of a school.
But that was last Wednesday. Earlier today, the school administration succesfully lobbied for the county to drop the charges after it was discovered that the student is a member of the football team.
"We made a horrible mistake," said the principal. "These charges should never have been brought... in fact, the teacher should never have lifted a finger against an upstanding member of the football team. She has been placed on administrative leave while we investigate this injustice perpetrated against one of our student-athletes."
Ericson received very little playing time last year, which might explain the oversight. Even the coach had to have his memory jogged. "That's right, now I remember Eric," the coach said after some hesitation. "I think he played on special teams for 30 seconds against Chaffee last season."
Nevertheless, the student is a bona-fide member of the football team and entitled to all of the privileges and benefits of jockdom. "We cannot treat our student-athletes as scapegoats for all of the social and disciplinary problems at this school," said the district's Assistant Undersecretary Vice Superintendent. "That's what the chess club is for."
The police department and prosecutor's office were also apologetic about the whole ordeal. "Zero tolerance policies shouldn't apply to athletes... just look at the fifteen-strikes-and-maybe-you're-out policy that Major League Baseball has employed against steroid users. If that kind of policy is good enough for them, then it's good enough for Dexter sports."