Cape Cheesecake Cartel Crumbles

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, March 2, 2005

from the how-many-cheesecakes-can-two-people-eat? dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In a joint press conference, the FBI and FDA announced today that a "massive multi-national cheesecake smuggling operation" had been uncovered in Cape. Spanning five continents with an army of black-market cheesecake thieves and distributors, the cartel -- dubbed the "Cheeseheads" -- is finally out of business.

The FBI has long been investigating the market for stolen dessert foods, but they didn't make the connection with Southeast Missouri until last week, when a cheesecake caper at My Daddy's Cheesecake went bad.

"When I saw the story that somebody had stolen 300 cheesecakes from a small business in Missouri, I knew we had to investigate right away," said Noah Huemerr, the FDA's Black-Market Food Czar. "This botched heist led us straight to the center of the largest dessert smuggling operation the world has ever known."

Explained an FBI investigator, "This is a serious business... One shipment of top-of-the-line cheesecakes can fetch a street value of $1.5 million in Hong Kong."

The FBI has not yet revealed the names of the apprehended cheesecake mobsters, arguing that this is an "ongoing investigation" and that the agency "needs more time to eat... er, collect the evidence."

"No more will this organized crime racket steal desserts from small businesses and distribute their ill-gotten food across state lines without a health permit," boasted an FBI spokesperson. "It's over."

Well, maybe not. After repeated questioning, the FBI spokesperson finally admitted that nobody has been able to locate the 300 cheesecakes that were originally nabbed from My Daddy's Cheesecake.

"It's entirely possible that this caper had nothing to do with the Cheesehead Cartel," he said. "Perhaps they were trying to create their own racket, little realizing that Cape was already the home of a multi-national smuggling organization. At any rate, we suspect that there might still be a few 'hot' cheesecakes floating around town. If, during the next few days, you're walking down Broadway and somebody says, 'Pssst... Wanna buy a cheesecake?', then I'd suggest you contact law enforcement right away."