Democrats: Global Warming Is A Red-State Conspiracy

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, February 10, 2005

from the from-red-states-to-red-hot-states dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- Launching Attack #1,698 against the President, the Democrat Party today accused Bush and the Republicans of a "massive conspiracy" to accelerate global warming and cause massive flooding along the coasts of the so-called "Blue States", while improving the climate of "Red States."

"Democrat strongholds have the most to lose from a global climate catastrophe," said Sen. Philip Mepocketz (D-Florida). "Blue State cities tend to hug the East and West coasts in low-lying areas; these will be the first to suffer from rising ocean levels. Meanwhile, Republican states like North Dakota will benefit immensely from higher temperatures during the winter."

Last year's Democrat nominee for President -- we've already forgotten his name -- echoed a similar charge during an interview on the SeeBS Evening News. "Global warming will hurt Democrats, but help Republicans. It's an undeniable fact -- and I seriously doubt that this is a coincidence. I believe that Republicans and their corporate overlords have been plotting this conspiracy for decades."

Republicans quickly countered the accusation. "The real threat to our national security is hot air, not global warming," said Rep. Perry O'Keeyull (R-Tennessee). "Considering the amount of hot air generated by Democrats, we should be able to hook an electric generator up to the Capitol and produce enough power to eliminate the need for coal."

Another Republican added, "Our corporate overlords all have their headquarters in the Bahamas, Bermuda, and other sunny countries, all of which would be the first to suffer if global warming is actually true. So there can't be a GOP conspiracy!"

Conspiracy theorists, however, won't let such arguments stand in the way of a perfectly good conspiracy theory. Said one, "Dammit, the GOP has been destroying the Earth since at least 67 B.C. Their latest scheme is to use mind-control rays to alter people's memories so that they are oblivious to temperature changes over the last seven decades. Wake up people, it was much colder back then! Hey, who are you... and why are you wearing a white lab coat with a Missouri Department of Mental Health logo?"

A spokesperson for PETA (People Embracing Television Attention) ranted during a televised protest, "Won't somebody please think of the animals? If the temperature of northern Minnesota rises from -50°F to -45°F during the winter, it will totally decimate their ecosystem and kill billions of innocent insects and snakes! It's all Halliburton's fault!"