City Warns Against "Killer Goose" At Capaha Park

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, February 7, 2005

from the quack-quack-splat dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- It seemed like a perfect, tranquil winter day. The sun was shining, the wind was lightly blowing from the south, the water at Capaha Park lagoon was placid, and a seven-year old boy was throwing breadcrumbs at friendly ducks.

But the Currier and Ives scene quickly turned violent. Sneaking up from behind, an agressive goose attacked the boy, causing him to panic and slip into the icy-cold water. Quick thinking by a nearby fisherman saved the day, but not before the belligerent bird had struck for the fifth time in a week.

These birds may look harmless, but the one with the orange beak -- seen here making an awful hissing sound -- is anything but.

"That goose is a serious problem," said a worker for the city's Parks & Recreation Department. "I call it Kag, the Killer Attack Goose. It's the one with the orange bill -- you can't miss it. And it won't miss you."

The bird, described by one victim as a "lean, mean, flying attack machine," has prompted the city to post signs around the park saying, "CAUTION: Aggressive Birds Ahead."

Mr. Mil Kuhtoest, a recent attack victim, couldn't help but laugh after seeing the sign. "Give me a break... that sign is an absolute joke. The city needs to take serious action about this menace to society, not post worthless warnings." He explained, "That evil bird attacked me while jogging around the lake... Pecking at my legs repeatedly, the bastard caused me to loose my balance and fall face first into the pavement, allowing the bird to peck me even more. It was horrible."

KAG, the Killer Attack Goose, lunges at this reporter. The encounter did not cause any injuries... this time.

A local animal control officer said, "City residents might laugh at our inability to tame or capture this evil bird. But they won't be laughing when they have their own close encounter with Sir Beaks-A-Lot. I'm not going anywhere near that spawn of Satan, even armed with a tranquilizer gun. I simply don't get paid enough to take that kind of risk."

The city is currently in contact with the Missouri Department of Conservation and the Environmental Protection Agency to develop a possibly remedy.

"If we kill the bird, then we get fined," said a city official. "But if the birds injures a bystander, then we get sued. We can't win unless we can find a way to capture the attack avian and whisk it away to a safe location, preferably the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico."