Genealogist Discovers Lack Of Inbreeding In Family Tree

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, January 10, 2005

from the elevator-doesn't-leave-the-ground-floor dept.

"Does this mean I'm not really a Redneck?" asks bewildered family researcher.

WAPPAPELLO, MO -- When Lola Smeghurst started researching her family tree, she had no idea that her ancestry would be 100% free of inbreeding. But that's exactly what she found while researching the last seven generations of her clan.

"All of my friends in the local genealogy club have found numerous places where their own trees don't fork," she said. "I feel so... so... different and left out... maybe even a little ashamed."

At first, Smeghurst was certain she would find questionable marriages in her family. After all, many of her relatives suffer from weird physical and mental abnormalities, such as:

  • Her great-aunt wants to leave her estate to the racoons living in the backyard.

  • Her step-brother has six fingers in his left hand, but only four in his right.

  • Her uncle is severely allergic to one of the chemicals in "new car smell."

  • Her nephew is paranoid schizophrenic and worries that Michael Moore is a mind-reading alien from the planet Zendorklux IV plotting global domination.

  • One of her cousins has a sloped forehead that would make him a perfect extra for a movie set in Cro-Magnom days.

  • Another cousin has had the theme song to "The Beverly Hillbillies" continuous stuck in his head for the last ten years and has threatened suicide on numerous occasions.

"It's obvious that I'm from a horribly contaminated gene pool," Smeghurst lamented. "So how come I'm stuck with all these recessive genes?"

However, a SEMO biology professor argued that all modern families have black sheep, regardless of genetics. "No extended family can account for all of its marbles," he explained. "It's just a fact of life. There's no reason to get paranoid about inbreeding, or lack thereof, in your ancestry."

Smeghurst is optimistic, though, that she will still uncover hanky-panky somewhere higher in her tree. "There's got to be inbreeding somewhere, I know it. Dammit, I want to fit in with everybody else in this county! The guy down the road with the KKK flag in his front yard keeps looking at me like I'm some of freak. I can't stand it anymore!"