Burn Your Way To Health

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, January 9, 2005

from the who-needs-a-tongue-anyway? dept.

CHAFFEE, MO -- Local entrepreneur and quack doctor Shay D. Mann has done it again. After releasing the "wonder drug" Liposlim last year (people wonder what it's good for), Mr. Mann has now unveiled another lose-weight-fast "miracle" cure: The EHS Lifestyle Plan(tm).

The idea is simple. Customers receive a specially designed refrigerator that periodically showers their food in a fine mist of Extreme Hot Sauce (EHS), making the food nearly unpalatable.

"When you have to gulp down two gallons of water for every bite of food loaded with extreme hot sauce, you're going to lose weight quick," Mann boasted.

At first glance, the plan seems to have a fatal flaw: just eat out all the time and not leave anything in the fridge. However, users of the EHS Lifestyle Plan are required to also purchase Mann's Liposlim(tm) appetite supressant drug.

"Liposlim is so expensive that people won't be able to afford to eat out. Combined with my patent-pending Extreme Hot Sauce Delivery Device, people won't be able to eat in, either," Mann said. "Weight loss is guaranteed!"

Mann has refused to reveal the recipe for his Extreme Hot Sauce. "It's not just hot sauce," he bragged. "My concoction is designed to literally set your tongue on fire. You will literally burn you way to health."

The quack doctor hopes to capitalize on the hordes of people that have made a New Year's resolution to lose weight, but will almost certainly give up their plans by the end of next week.

"I don't know the name of the genius that invented the idea of New Year's resolutions, but he has done wonders for the diet industry," he said. "I'd almost be inclined to think that the whole concept was a conspiracy masterminded by a consortium of health clubs..."

Many reputable doctors are leery of Mann's new weight loss products. "Spraying all your food with hot sauce? That's pretty drastic and dangerous," said Dr. Minnie Naggings of Cape. "Instead, I would recommend a far more reasonable plan involving surgically implanting a device in your mouth that makes it painful to chew -- you'll never want to eat meat again, and you will lose weight for sure."

A dietician for a local health club added, "You've got to be kidding. After years of research, scientists have only found one program that is 100% guaranteed effective at losing body mass: amputating a leg or two. And who wants to do that?"