Store Owner Discovers Solution To "Merry Christmas Problem"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, December 20, 2004

from the stopping-the-left-coast-madness dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Eddie Froemskohl, owner of Slow Eddie's Used Double-Wide Emporium, found himself stuck between a rock and a harder rock. In 2002, he hung out a sign in front of his business that said "Merry Christmas." This infuriated a large number of University faculty and out-of-town visitors, who accused Froemskohl of religious bigotry with his politically incorrect greeting.

Hoping to avoid another brouhaha in 2003, he changed the sign to "Happy Holidays." The reaction was even more vicious, this time from Christians who felt the secular and/or Pagan message was a slap in the face. They threatened to boycott the business, accusing the owner of rolling over and playing dead for Left Coast liberal fruitcakes.

It was obvious that Froemskohl could not hope to please everybody. Or could he?

This year, he has found a solution that will please the fruitcakes and the fundamentalists. He erected a variable message board that shows "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" based on the religious orientation of the person driving by.

"My sign features a newly developed system that can detect the radio station that passing cars are tuned to. If it's country, Rush Limbaugh, or Christian rock, then my sign assumes the driver is a Red State voter and shows an appropriate Christian message."

"But, if the driver is listening to classical music, Al Franken, or NPR, then it assumes they are a Blue State resident and it shows an inoffensive 'Happy Holidays' or 'We Wish You A Pleasant Secular And/Or Non-Secular Holiday Of Your Choice, No Offense Or Discrimination Intended Or Implied'."

Reaction to the sign has been very upbeat. "It's about time somebody stood up to those materialist loonies who have taken Christ out of Christmas. Without Christ, all you have is 'mas', or More American Stupidity."

Meanwhile, one out-of-state visitor said, "I'm still upset about that concrete cross sitting next to Kingshighway, but at least one store owner has developed a backbone against the celebrate-Christmas-or-else-dammit religious nuts."

Other store owners have unsuccessfully tried to get Froemskohl to spill the beans about how he acquired his high-tech message board and radio detector.

"The MCP -- or Merry Christmas Problem -- is a serious issue that every business and government office must face," said the proprietor of Bob's Slightly Dented Discount Foods. "Nobody has found a satisfactory way to pacify both Red and Blue Staters without causing a riot or boycott... until now."

A local police officer commented, "I hope this technology quickly spreads and puts an end to recent outbreaks of HSPR (Holiday Season Political Rage). People get so uppity and easily offended this time of year. Just because an Atheist sees a 'Merry Christmas' sign doesn't give them a legal right to beat the store owner to a bloody pulp... likewise, when a Christian spots a 'Happy Holidays' sign they don't have a legal right to forcibly deport the owner to California or France."