Christmas Display Destroyed; Rival Church Suspected
Fake News written by on Monday, December 6, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Tragedy struck the Holiday of Lights display at the Cape County Park today when Santa Claus and eight tiny reindeer were discovered at the bottom of the lake wearing cement shoes.
"The scene was absolutely disgusting," said the park maintenance worker who discovered that the plastic figures had disappeared from the display of the Almost Full Gospel Christian Church of Cape. "I saw Rudolph's red nose sticking out of the shallow water and I knew instantly that a horrible crime had been committed here."
The church's display also included a manger scene, and workers have so far been unable to locate the plastic baby Jesus figure. However, the Three Wise Men were found upside-down -- but otherwise healthy -- inside a nearby Dumpster.
Police investigators suspect that a rival church, the Cape Second Full Gospel Church of the Real Jesus, is responsible for the heinous "Santacide" and "Jesus-napping".
"The Second Full Gospel Church procrastinated in adding their name to the list of organizations that wanted to erect a display in the park, and they didn't make the cut," said a detective with the Cape Girardeau Police Department. "Meanwhile, the Almost Full Gospel Church was assigned Site #152 -- the same site that the Second Church had for the last five years. Naturally, they were a little bit upset and we suspect that a church member, or members, decided to take some revenge."
The pastor of the Almost Full Gospel Church was clearly shaken by the criminal activity. "I can't believe this happened to my church. This is the kind of stunt you would expect some radical ACLU-card-carrying liberal freak to pull. I'm going to have nightmares of Santa drowning for the rest of my life..."
However, the leader of the Second Full Gospel Church has flatly denied involvement. "I didn't do it," he stammered. "I don't know anybody who did it... But I can say this: the perpetrators will be going straight to Hell."
Anybody with information about this incident should call 1-888-YOU-SNITCH. The Almost Full Gospel Christian Church of Cape is accepting donations for a replacement Santa and reindeer; if you have any extra Christmas figures crammed in your attic (and who doesn't?), they would be greatly appreciated.