Family Decides Not To Give Christmas Gifts; Federal Government Investigates

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, December 1, 2004

from the attendance-at-walmart-is-mandatory dept.

POCAHONTAS, MO -- In a revelation that has sent local gossips in a gossiping frenzy, the Meyerhofstadt family admitted in public that they will not be spending money on Christmas gifts this year. As a result of the scandal, the Federal Trade Commission has launched an investigation into whether the family is committing a crime by conspiring to hurt the US economy.

"This is an outrage," said one busybody neighbor from across the street. "Everybody else in this town spends beaucoup bucks on Christmas gifts in order to help the economy and generate tax revenue. Cheapskates like this should not be allowed to benefit from government programs if they refuse to participate in holiday spending."

The father, Omer Meyerhofstadt, defended his Scroogish decision. "I hate most of the crap my in-laws give me anyway, so why should I go out of my way to get them crap in return? Standing in line for five hours at the local Claw-Mart Supercenter is not my idea of a productive Saturday."

Omer's son Karl strongly agrees with the new policy. "Last year I specifically asked for a 256 MB DDR PC-2100 RAM chip for my computer, and what did Dad get me? An incompatible SDRAM PC-100 chip instead. Sheesh! I've hated the while charade of gift-giving ever since..."

However, younger brother Todd is not happy with the situation. "At school, when my friends ask what I got for Christmas, what am I supposed to say? That my family is morally opposed to mindless commercialism? I'm gonna get beat up for sure with that answer."

Agents for the FTC are even more unhappy. Said inspector Perry Noid, "Our whole system of capitalism is based upon the assumption that everybody will drive up huge credit card bills at the end of the year in an orgy of instant gratification. But if these wild ideas about avoiding Christmas start to become popular, then the entire US economy will crash and the terrorists will win. We've got to put a stop to this conspiracy right now."

If the case goes to trial and the Meyerhofstadt family is found guilty of involuntary holiday evasion with intent to undermine the economy and help the terrorists, then the court may decide to confiscate their bank account and divide the money among the major retailers who were victimized by the family's criminal activities.

"We're hoping that the Meyerhofstadts comes to their senses before December 25th and that we can avoid a nasty criminal prosecution. But if they continue to engage in un-American activities and try to persuade other people to do the same, then we will have no choice but to go after them..."