Local Man Invents "Miracle" Weight Loss Pill
Fake News written by on Sunday, November 21, 2004
"If I had a dollar for every new weight loss pill that hits the market, I would be able to afford liposuction."
CHAFFEE -- We never thought we'd see the day, but somebody has developed an honest-to-goodness weight loss drug that actually delivers results. This week, Chaffee resident Shay D. Mann unveiled Liposlim(tm), a nutritional supplement that acts as a powerful motivator for people to eat less.
"The idea is so simple that I can't believe somebody else hasn't already tried it," Mann said. "It's not the drug that's important, it's the price tag. A month's dose of Liposlim will be so expensive that people won't have any money left to eat junk food..."
"You can't go on an eating binge if your wallet only contains 83 cents," he continued. "That's the beauty of the Liposlim lifestyle."
Mann was careful not reveal the exact ingredients of Liposlim, although he said it was based on a new class of chemicals called placeboines. "Since I'm marketing this pill as a nutritional supplement, it does not require FDA approval. But real FDA-approved drugs won't stand a chance against my product."
Local health experts are skeptical about the new product. One local doctor argued, "Other weight loss pills are exorbitantly expensive and yet that doesn't stop people from eating 10 pounds of General Tso's Chicken at a Chinese buffet in one sitting."
"If this drug is so expensive, then people won't be able to afford health club memberships," said a fitness specialist for a regional health club. "And that's a real tragedy."
Finally, one nutritionist said, "Why is it so hard for people to eat sensibly? I'm a personal fan of the Seafood Diet... I eat nothing but crab legs and other seafood that is extremely hard to peel and eat. I use more calories cracking open crab legs than I do from eating the actual crab meat. You can't go wrong with that equation."