Stop The Inauguration! Republicans Disenfranchised Millions Of Voters!

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, November 11, 2004

from the dan-rather-is-jumping-for-joy dept.

CLEVELAND, OHIO -- In response to growing rumors that Republicans disenfranchised "millions" of voters in Ohio and Florida, John Kerry rescinded his concession speech and dispatched emergency battalions of lawyers to investigate and contest the results of the Presidential election.

"The fraud stinks to high heaven," said a lawyer with the Society of Outstanding Radical Election Lawyers Outraged by Sinister Evil Republican Strategies (SORELOSERS). "We know for a fact that tens of thousands of Necro-Americans were denied their right to vote in Cuyahoga County. Just because somebody is dead does not give Republicans the right to reject their voting registrations."

The chairwoman of the Necro-American Defense Association (NADA) said, "When my mother passed away ten years ago, she left a will stating that all of her future votes should be cast for Democrat candidates. But when I tried to cast a ballot in her name, some men in white coats arrived and tried to drag me away."

It's not immediately clear how many six-feet-under votes were rejected in Ohio, Florida, and other battleground states. However, Democrat strategists are convinced that "as an oppressed minority group, Necro-Americans would overwhelmingly turn out in favor of Kerry if given the chance."

Explained one Democrat spokesperson, "We conducted a census of the tombstones in Cuyahoga County and we dug up more than enough living-impaired voters to give the Democrat Party a landslide."

Ohio law expressly prohibits dead people from casting ballots, but other states are not quite as strict. "In Chicago, all you need to vote is a death certificate," said an election judge there. "Our city has been way ahead of the curve for the dead people's suffrage movement."

Democrat lawyers didn't waste any time to initiate court challenges in Ohio. "I received the order at 10:42 AM to deploy to Cleveland, and by 10:46 I was typing legal briefs on my laptop," said one lawyer with the Democrat's 164th Airborne Legal Defense Battalion. "After a short plane ride, I strapped on my parachute gear and made a clean landing in downtown at 11:37 AM."

The lawyer added, "We've got a solid case for overturning the fraudulent outcome of this election. It's obvious that Ohio's discrimination against the living impaired is a blatant violation of the 14th Amendment. Bush's strategery is about to bite the dust..."