Newsflash: Michael Moore Is Actually A Republican!

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, November 10, 2004

from the it-all-makes-sense-to-me-now dept.

LEFT COAST -- In a shocking statement, liberal darling Michael Moore admitted that he is actually a closet Republican that secretly worked to elect George Dubya Bush while making millions of dollars in the process.

"Liberals are such sheep," Moore wrote in a post to his website. "They fell all over themselves to give me money to watch my latest propaganda film, little realizing that my hate-Bush, anti-American work would actually drive up turnout among Republicans during the election and put Bush over the top. Mwahahahahaha!"

He added, "Conservatives have always strived for the American Dream, and that's what I've done. I earned millions of dollars fair and square by providing a message that so many Hollywood elitists wanted to hear. It's quite a racket: Democrats give me money for a campaign that actually helps Republicans get elected. And in the end I get to take advantage of Bush's tax cuts!"

Political pundits were aghast at the revelation. "Moore is one of them? What about Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, P.Diddy... are they all secret Republicans planted by Karl Rove in a fiendish plot for world domination? Say it ain't so!"

"I can't believe we were hornswoggled by this mugwump," said a belligerent Dan Rather of the SeeBS Evening News. "Bush had an electoral victory that was thinner than turnip soup and shakier than cafeteria Jell-O. Kerry could easily have won this thing and sent the cows home happy! But no, Michael Moore had to go and change everything. I'm madder than a rained-on rooster and I don't know whether to sell the double-wide or bark at the moon..."

Many people in the 'red' states agreed that Michael Moore's actions helped Bush win. "I didn't really like Bush or Kerry, but the last thing I wanted was four years of gloating by clueless Hollywood peacemongers and white-flag-waving French snobs," said one swing voter. "If the Democrat Party has friends like this, who needs enemies?"

Moore had intended to keep up his charade for the next four years and crank out more propaganda films to seperate even more fools from their money. However, he simply couldn't maintain his cover much longer. "It takes a certain level of insanity to act like a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth liberal all the time," he said. "I just didn't have another fours years in me."