Hoping To Flee The Country? Bush Wants To Help!

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, November 8, 2004

from the get-your-application-for-de-citizenship dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After his re-election, George Dubya Bush wasted no time keeping his campaign promise to open a Department of Emigration that would help disgruntled liberals move to another nation. However, most destination countries, including France, Germany, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand, have all resisted Bush's call to relax their immigration policies.

"Hollywood celebrities are not welcome here," said a New Zealand diplomat. "Pick on somebody in your own hemisphere."

The most popular destination, Canada, has been less than ecstatic about opening its borders to Democrat refugees. "Please take a number and wait in line like everybody else," said a spokesperson for the Canadian immigration bureau. "No cutting in line just because you own five Academy Awards."

Bush hopes to convince the Canadian government to offer a one-for-one trading plan in which one conservative Canadian will be granted US citizenship in exchange for each liberal allowed to move north. "We can solve two problems at once and everybody is happy," said a Bush aide. "Especially if we can convince those conservatives from the western provinces to relocate to California and help turn the state 'red'."

However, it seems most people are hoping to flee California instead. Both Republicans (hoping to flee to the Midwest) and Democrats (hoping to flee to another country) are moving in such large numbers that a severe shortage of U-Hauls and moving equipment has paralyzed the state.

"I want out of here," said a businessman who can't afford to give state-mandated health care to all of his employees and their so-called life partners. "I'm a red-state voter trapped in a blue state, but without any moving trucks available, I'm stranded here."

"I want out of here," said a Howard Dean groupie. "California might have voted for Kerry this time, but the state is definitely turning 'purple' as more people vote for war-mongering, oil-stealing, environment-destroying Republicans. I'm hoping to claim political asylum in Canada because I'm an oppressed victim of a country obviously under the control of tyrannical fundamentalist fascism headed by Bush and Halliburton. But the Canadian embassy won't respond to my emails."

Several members of the Republican Party have offered to help disgruntled liberals by providing free airline tickets or donating labor. "It's the least we can do," said a party chairwoman from Kansas. "I'd be more than happy to pay for somebody's one-way ticket to France, and I'm not alone. Just make sure you don't let the Statue of Liberty hit you on the way out..."