Cardinals Fans Search For Answers After Meltdown

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, October 30, 2004

from the at-least-the-yankees-sucked-even-more dept.

ST. LOUIS -- When the St. Louis Cardinals gave one of the most pathetic performances in World Series history, many fans were left scratching their heads and asking, "What the [expletive] just happened?" Now, a few days after their staggering collapse, some fans were starting to theorize that dark, sinister forces were at work.

"This was obviously a conspiracy," ranted one fan. "During the team's flight to Boston, the St. Louis players must have been kidnapped and replaced with body doubles. There's no way that the players we saw on the field this week were the real Cardinals."

Other fans quickly agreed that something was fishy about the whole postseason. "First the Yankees collapse, and then the Cardinals. It seems clear to me that Boston put something in the food to make the players sick... or something like that."

"I always thought that the Yankees were the Evil Empire, but now it seems clear that Boston is the real emperor," said a third fan. "John Kerry is from Massachusetts. This can't be a coincidence."

Another popular theory is that the Cardinals have fallen under the Curse of the Don. "Ever since that incident with Don Denkinger in '85, we've never won the World Series. But still, why should the Cards be cursed for something out of their control?"

"Forget Halloween, the scariest thing I've seen this year was the World Series," said another St. Louisian. "I remember being a horrible player in Little League, but at least I never pulled a Jeff Suppan!" He continued, "There's got to be a plausible explanation for why the Cards were so sloppy... right now I'm leaning toward mind-control rays broadcast by a secret device invented by the Red Sox."

On the other hand, Chicago Cubs fans were elated with the outcome. One Chicagoan bought a scalped ticket to Game 4 just to watch the Cardinals lose. "The Cards always fold in the postseason, it just took a little longer this year," he boasted. "So there... folks in Chicago are living vicariously through the Red Sox this year as a form of payback for what you all did to us on July 20th! And I still firmly believe that Steve Bartman was part of an elaborate conspiracy concocted by the Cardinals."