Panic! Flying Pig Spotted Over Boston

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, October 27, 2004

from the worst-series-ever dept.

BOSTON -- Just minutes after the Boston Red Sox wrapped up their only World Series victory since the Bronze Age, the first sighting of airborne livestock was reported. It happened on Flight 652 out of Logan Airport, when a traveler smuggled on board a black "seeing eye" pig named Snowball.

"It's official... pigs have flown," said the pilot after the plane landed in Chicago. "I've seen everything now."

It's not immediately clear what caused the pig's owner to bring the porker on board, although scientists were quick to point out that this could be the beginning of an imminent outbreak of deadly paranormal activity.

"It took two miracles for Boston to win... One, the Yankees had to suffer the worst meltdown in postseason history. And second, the Cardinals had to roll over and play dead while the whole country laughed," explained Dr. Edmund Kwack of the Center For Predicting Paranormal Phenomena. "The odds of this happening are about 1 gazillion to one."

"We've been warning about flying pigs and other calamities for decades," he continued. "But we made the horrible mistake of obsessing about the Chicago Cubs while completely ignoring the Red Sox. That won't happen again, assuming that the planet is still around for the 2005 baseball season."

The center has posted a Level 5 Flying Pig Alert ("we're all screwed"), its highest warning. "If you see any pig or other land-based animal sprouting appendages that appear to be wing-shaped, please call 911 as soon as possible," warned baseballogist Dr. Wey Stuhtime. "I've said it before: this is no laughing matter. Do you know what might happen if a bunch of pigs slam into a skyscraper?"

Scientists are also paranoid about rips opening in the space-time continuum. "This is all predicted by the Theory of Relativity... The best way to prepare for sudden ruptures in the fabric of the Universe is to kneel down and kiss your butt goodbye," Stuhtime said. "I don't even want to know what the core temperature of Hell, Michigan, will be tonight."

In case civilization does come to a screeching halt in the coming days, the center's Baseball Playoffs Crisis Command Bunker is on full standby mode with enough food, supplies, and horny couples to survive the fall and start repopulating the Earth in a few decades. "We know how to prepare for doomsday," said one bunker resident before locking the door to the outside world.