Beavers Must Obtain Permits To Build Dams

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, October 18, 2004

from the you-got-a-zoning-permit-for-that-lodge? dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sweeping new regulations enacted today by the US Forest Service will require beavers and other wild animals to obtain permits before cutting down trees, constructing dams, or building lodges on public land.

"For too long beavers have used their status as wild animals to circumvent laws designed to protect the environment. This injustice is about to change," stated one environmental activist.

It's not immediately clear how beavers, which cannot read nor write, will be able to conduct environmental impact studies, hold public meetings, or submit piles of paperwork. However, the USFS management believe this will not pose a problem, especially with the agency's official motto, "We Can Solve Any Problem By Throwing Enough Money At It®"

Explained a USFS deputy director, "If we have to, we can appropriate $5.4 billion (give or take) to open schools and universities to train beavers in all of the skills necessary to become productive and law-abiding members of American society. This is not that big a deal."

Under the new rules, beavers wishing to construct a dam must submit environmental impact assessments, conduct hydrological stability studies, and produce detailed maps showing the exact locations that will be inundated. Then, the beavers must obtain liability insurance in case they accidentally destroy something while cutting down trees, or in case the dam later breaks and causes property damage downstream.

"All we're asking is for beavers to shoulder the same responsibility as humans when undertaking serious construction projects," said the USFS director. "Is that really too much to ask?"