Electric Company Deploys Surface-To-Squirrel Missiles

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, October 6, 2004

from the a-step-above-roadkill dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Faced with an invasion of mischievous squirrels, AmerenUE announced today that the company has installed anti-squirrel defense systems at several of its power substations in Southeast Missouri.

"We've already had two power outages in the last month directly caused by conniving squirrels," said a company spokesperson. "So far the score is Squirrels 2, Humans 0, but that's about to change in a hurry."

Using declassified military technology, the STSMBs (Surface-To-Squirrel Missile Battery) will prevent any squirrels or other wire-chewing animals from approaching a utility station or other vulnerable location.

"Some animal rights activists might cringe at the thought of projectiles slamming into squirrels at over 800 feet per second," said the CEO of Furinex, the company behind the STSMB techology. "But that's a small price to pay for preventing blackouts. And frankly, what good are squirrels anyway except for eating?"

"With our extensive testing, we can guarantee that our system is 100% deadly for squirrles but 100% harmless for humans," boasted the CEO. "Squirrels might be surprisingly smart for their size, but even flying squirrels can't evade our missile launcher. Heh heh heh!"