Scientists Downgrade Threat Of Flying Pigs

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, October 5, 2004

from the cubs-completely-useless-by-september dept.

CHICAGO -- Researchers at the Center For Predicting Paranormal Phenomena, long worried about the threat of flying pigs during a Cubs World Series, held an impromptu party earlier this week when the team was officially eliminated from postseason contention.

"I was getting pretty worried at the beginning of September," said scientist Dr. Edmond Kwack. "It looked like the Cubs might sneak into the wild card slot and then reach the World Series opposite the Red Sox... a doomsday scenario that is too ghastly to even contemplate."

But thanks to yet another spectacular collapse by the Cubs, the center downgraded the FPA (Flying Pig Alert) for this year's postseason from Level 5 ("be very afraid") to Level 2 ("not so bad").

"Obviously, we're still concerned about the Red Sox," Kwack said. "However, we no longer have to worry about the Worst Case Scenario, a cataclysmic event that could cause thousands of deaths when flying pigs start colliding with airplanes."

As in previous years, the center will staff a Baseball Playoffs Crisis Command Center in case paranormal phenomena start occuring. In the event that livestock sprout wings, the center will issue emergency bulletins advising people how to respond.

"This is no laughing matter," said Kwack.