The War Continues: Jackson Petitions To Split From Cape County

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, September 29, 2004

from the city-of-beautiful-homes-churches-and-walls dept.

JACKSON -- Just when people thought the ongoing war between Cape County and the City of Jackson couldn't possibly get any uglier, it does. Now the leadership of Jackson has floated a plan to secede from Cape County and form the Independent City of Jackson that would have a similar government form as St. Louis.

"If the county doesn't want to play fair, then fine. They need us more than we need them," snarled a Jackson alderman.

It's not immediately clear whether Jackson is serious about pursuing the plan or is merely using the threat as a bargaining chip to force the county to settle its road-and-bridge-tax lawsuit. If Jackson does pursue the idea and is able to obtain permission from the Missouri Legislature, then the county would be forced to evacuate its Jackson courthouse and offices and immediately relocate to another town.

"The county talks big, but what are they going to do when they have no choice but to meet in a double-wide in Fruitland?" boasted a Jackson resident.

County officials, however, downplayed the seriousness of the threat. "We already have a second courthouse in Cape Girardeau, along with some of our county offices," one county worker rebutted. "So Jackson's temper-tantrum will have little effect on us." He added, "Frankly, we should've moved the county seat to Cape Girardeau a long time ago. Louis Lorimier has been dead for almost two centuries and his pesky land grants have all been settled. So what's been the hold up?"

Another member of county government threatened, "If Jackson becomes foreign territory, then we will erect border crossings and toll booths at all county roads leading into the city limits. We can build a wall around Jackson pretty easily and charge nothing to enter Jackson, but $20 to get out."

On the other hand, such a split would leave most of the county's records in enemy territory. "And we won't let anybody into the Archive Center until we get our rightful tax money. So there!" boasted one Jackson official. He later added, "Ich bin ein Jacksonian!"

However, one county commissioner retorted, "We'll see about that..."