Downtown Merchants Find Way To Boost Business: Blow Things Up!
Fake News written by on Tuesday, September 14, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- With hordes of people visiting downtown to view the unexpected wreckage of the old bridge last week, merchants are now hoping that similar explosive events can be arranged to further boost the downtown economy.
"What a gold mine!" exclaimed a bartender at one of downtown's 87 adult beverage establishments. "We haven't seen these crowds since the Fourth of July fireworks display. It's obvious that people like pyrotechnic shows... We need to blow things up more often!"
One former target for demolition, the Marquette Hotel, is no longer an option. However, other abandoned buildings, including the old drivers' license office, might be considered for the next explosive event.
"We need to do something," said one downtown merchant. "We can't survive on antiques and alcohol alone."
In related news, the Missouri Department of Transportation officially confirmed today what The Cape Rock has always suspected: the old bridge really was held together with duct tape, bailing wire, chewing gum, and Elmer's Glue.
"We hoped nobody would find out," one anonymous MoDOT employee said. "But after last week's explosive collapse of the remaining spans, we could no longer keep the cat in the bag. For the last decade, we've managed to keep the old bridge open through a series of improvised fixes that we obtained on sale at the local hardware store."
The employee was quick to point out that the old bridge was still 100% safe, although he did later admit that he tried to cross the river at Chester or Cairo whenever possible. "Just because some of the lateral cross-bracing was... umm... totally missing doesn't mean the bridge was unsafe. Duct tape and bailing wire are a perfectly good substitute for missing girders."