Bush To Offer Incentives For Liberals To Leave The Country

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, September 7, 2004

from the help-is-on-the-way dept.

In a rare campaign promise that has a high likelihood of coming true, President George Dubya Bush today announced that he will spearhead a new Federal program to provide assistance to disgruntled American citizens who want to emigrate to another country.

"Liberals have always made boisterous threats about moving to France if I win an election, but they never do it," Bush said at a campaign stop in Columbia, Missouri. "It's obvious that they need a little more encouragement to make good on their promises, and the Federal government is happy to help."

Under the proposed plan, a new Department of Emigration will provide financial incentives and bureaucratic assistance in obtaining the necessary visas and permits to move to another nation.

"This is a free country, and so you should be free to leave it," Bush said. "By doing so, you will make room for other people who would be more appreciative of the United States, including illegal aliens from Mexico."

Bush hopes to convince France, Canada, and other popular destinations to cooperate with the program by relaxing their immigration policies. "Canada needs more warm bodies, and we need less disgruntled liberals. It's a win-win situation," Bush boasted. "This is what compassionate conservatism is all about."

John Kerry immediately attacked the idea as a "callous way to eliminate Democrats from the electoral rolls and the gene pool." However, he was careful not to totally rip the program for fear of offending those Hollywood liberals who might want to participate.

Alec Baldwin was unavailable for comment at press time.