County To Stop Maintaining Roads Leading To Jackson

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, August 30, 2004

from the we're-rapidly-approaching-defcon-three dept.

In yet another salvo of the escalating war between Cape County and the City of Jackson, the county commission announced today that they will no longer spend money to maintain county roads leading to Jackson.

"Now that Jackson is flush with cash, they can pay for their own damn roads and bridges leading into town," explained a commissioner. "If Jackson wants to play hardball, I hope they brought a strong enough bat."

Unfortunately for Jackson, the city cannot easily retaliate by refusing to maintain the streets leading up to the county courthouse. "If we block off Main Street to prevent people from reaching the courthouse, then we also can't reach our own city hall," explained a Jackson alderman. "However, we can make their lives miserable by strictly enforcing a 5.3 second time limit for all of the parking spaces surrounding the courthouse on city streets."

The whole mess started when Jackson discovered that an obscure state law requires the county to fork over a certain percentage of their road and bridge fund to the city. Now that a judge has sided with Jackson in the dispute, the hostilities between the two government bodies is really starting to heat up.

"No more Mr. Nice Mayor," said the Jackson mayor. "We've had enough of this crap."

"We outrank the city," the presiding county commissioner shot back. "If this crap continues, we're going to move the county seat to a more friendly, unincorporated place -- like Fruitland."

Moving the county seat away from Jackson would probably require a countywide vote. Nevertheless, such a move could be catastrophic for the city's future.

"If the county seat hadn't originally been located in Jackson, then the town would probably be the same size as Neely's Landing today -- that is to say, the population would be hovering just above zero," explained a SEMO history professor. "Without the county seat, Jackson is little more than a bedroom community for Cape Girardeau."

A few weeks ago, the two warring factions tried to put aside their differences and forge a peace plan. However, the ongoing road-and-bridge-tax dispute seems to have put a damper on that idea.

"We're talking about some serious money," said a Jackson alderman. "We ain't passing around the peace pipe until we get our moolah. Until that happens, they can shove it."

A county commissioner angrily said in response, "It's official. Jackson is the home of Beautiful Homes, Churches, and Jerks."