New Unofficial Indians Booster Club Forms
Fake News written by on Wednesday, August 11, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In yet another sign that the college has bitten off more than it can chew, a group of disgruntled alumni and students have formed an unofficial booster club that will continue the Indian and Otahkian traditions regardless of the edicts handed down by the administration from the airy summit of Mount Academic Hall.
"The Board of Regents can vote in favor of a pro-Commie, pro-war, anti-animal, anti-tradition mascot, but they can't make everybody use it," said Ms. Ree Akshunary, head of the Midwestern Coalition Of People Opposed To Everything.
Even after the university officially retires the Indian and Otahkian names, the club will continue to attend games and wear Indian shirts and face-paint, while waving banners and shouting "Go Indians!"
"What are they going to do, kick us out of Houck Stadium at gunpoint?" asked Reb L. Nokoz of the Association Of Disgruntled Alumni Who Refuse To Admit They Gradudated From SEMO. "That I'd like to see. It would show once and for all that the university is only interested in 'diversity' as long as it means that everybody falls into lockstep believing the exact same thing without any deviations. The people who scream the loudest about diversity are the same people who commit blatant discrimination against people who share different political views."
Nokoz added, "Let's face it... many long-time families in Southeast Missouri can easily find Cherokee ancestry in their family trees. So if the university starts cracking down on Indian supporters and imposes a 'No Indians' policy at Houck Stadium, they are going to face one heck of a federal lawsuit..."