Edwards Flip-Flops On Cape Visit
5% Fake News, 95% True News written by on Thursday, August 5, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- First it was going to be a 9:00 PM rally. Then it became a 7:00 AM meet-and-greet with local Democrat VIPs. Then it was going to be a full-fledged campaign stop open to the public. In the end, it turned into a "semi-private" half-fledged appearance in which Democrats waited for hours to see a two-minute speech by John Edwards.
In theory the event was by invitation only, but thanks to The Cape Rock's Vast Spy Network(tm), we were able to sneak a representative into enemy territory.
"I was rather nervous going behind enemy lines," explained our source, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being associated with The Other Party.
Our source waits in line, hoping to avoid detection.
"It was awful," the source continued. "Rush Limbaugh haters to the left of me, Bush bashers to the right. And yet I never heard anybody say something positive about Kerry other than He's Not Bush(tm)."
"After a miserable wait, Mr. John 'I'm So Good Looking I Don't Need A Platform' Edwards suddenly appeared. He gave a brief speech... the usual rah-rah about creating jobs and making sure somebody else pays for your health care. Surprisingly, during the two minute rally he didn't bash Bush even once, nor did he mention anything about a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy®. I didn't think such a thing was possible. I'm still in shock."
Behind enemy lines, our spy carefully gathers intelligence.
"The whole event had some serious logistical problems, and they couldn't seem to make up their mind on what exactly was supposed to happen. I know election campaigns are always chaotic, but it's no surprise that flip-flopping is such an integral part of the Kerry/Edwards organization..."
In an obvious lapse of security, our non-Democrat reporter gets up close to John Edwards.
The intelligence gathered by our source is currently being forwarded to the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy® Sponsored By Halliburton®. The information will also be shared with the Libertarian Central Command, which desperately seeks to claim 0.0000001% of the Presidential vote with their candidate, Mr. What's-His-Name.