Rust Communications Projected To Achieve World Domination By 2064
Fake News written by on Tuesday, August 3, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- With the acquisition of its 20th daily newspaper, local media conglomerate Rust Communications is poised to achieve world domination by the year 2064. The latest purchase expands the company's reach into Kansas, one the few Midwestern states that had remained out of the so-called "Rust Belt."
"At this rate of growth, Rust will own every newspaper in the United States by 2049, followed by North America in 2051, and finally the world by 2064," explained an industry observer. "Of course, other media syndicates like Clear Channel, Viacom, and Rupert Murdoch might beat them to the punch."
Internal documents obtained by The Cape Rock's Vast Spy Network(tm) indicate that the company has recently achieved Phase IV of its master plan. It's not immediately clear what the next step includes, but one rumor speculates that the company will attempt to buy papers circling the St. Louis metro area, putting pressure on the Post-Dispatch, Missouri's last bastion of left-coast liberalism.
"If you look at the map, Rust only needs to buy papers in a few strategic towns before they can utilize the classic 'pincher' move from military strategy against St. Louis," explained one crackpot who also believes in the moon landing hoax conspiracy theory.
Reaction to the company's explosive growth has been mixed. One media critic asked, "Can you imagine 'Speak Out' in every newspaper in the world? Oh, the humanity!"
However, another reader said, "For years we've had to put up with an obvious liberal bias in the mainstream press. It's about time we had a media outlet that's a proud part of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy®."