Iran Offers Free Citizenship To US Residents

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, July 26, 2004

from the what-a-bargain dept.

TEHRAN, IRAN -- In a surprising development, the government of Iran has started airing TV commercials offering free citizenship to Americans who decide to relocate to Iran. The country hopes to persuade conservatives from the Middle West to move to the Middle East, promising strict "anti-abortion, anti-fornication, pro-death-penalty policies" and a "strong alliance between church and state."

"We've done our own marketing surveys and these are the issues that many people in the Midwest care about," explained Iran's new Minister of Marketing. "They want to live in a country with a strict moral code that isn't prey to some rogue Supreme Court judges with an agenda. That is exactly the kind of environment that Iran can offer."

Of course, the offer does come with a major string attached: all Iranian immigrants must immediately convert to Islam. "However, we strongly feel that Islam is merely version 2.0 of Christianity, and so we expect many Americans will be able to make the switch," explained the Minister of Marketing.

The minister also pointed out that reports of atrocities and human-rights violations in Iran for the last several decades have been "greatly exaggerated by the biased American media." In fact, he said, "Our country is utopia compared with the immoral, perverted, casual-sex-loving, abortion-on-demand heathens in America who are all destined for Hell. But Hollywood doesn't want you to know that. It's time to convert while you still can."

According to a brochure, some of the benefits of Iranian citizenship include:

  • Living in a country free from the tyranny of lawyers and activist judges

  • No TV shows with an obvious homosexual agenda

  • Prayer in schools is not only allowed, it's mandatory

  • Free prayer rugs and copies of the Koran to the first 10,000 immigrants

  • Plenty of space in the desert to build your new dream hovel

  • Strong censorship allows you to a raise a family without worrying about your children finding pornography or other immoral material

  • Arid climate means less biting insects

One local resident we interview seemed intrigued by the offer. "This sounds almost too good to be true. I've always fretted that I might already be condemned to Hell because my brother's ex-girlfriend's ex-roommate's supervisor's wife once had an abortion and I didn't do anything to stop it. I'd be willing to put up with a lot of problems just to live in a country without abortions. Maybe I'll sign up."