Welcome To Low-Carb-ondale, The Atkins-Friendly City
Fake News written by on Friday, July 23, 2004
SOUTHERN ILLINOIS -- In yet another sign that the low-carbohydrate Atkins Diet frenzy is causing people to lose all common sense, the Carbondale City Council voted last week to officially change the city's name to Low-Carb-ondale in exchange for a lucrative sponsorship from the Atkins Diet folks.
"It's become fashionable for city officials to micromanage the personal lives of residents -- just look at all of the bans against smoking. So adopting this Atkins-friendly platform is only the next logical step," explained city councilperson Bisz E. Bawdy.
"Oh, and we'll make a boatload of money on the deal," Bawdy added. "So now we'll be able to enact even more pro-health inititives, such as launching a 'sloth offender' wesbite with the names, addresses, and pictures of everybody who bought unhealthy food at Wal-Mart in the last week. We want to shame people into health."
As part of the program, the city will raise sales taxes on high-carb food while eliminating taxes on low-carb products. "My friend's sister's husband knows somebody who lost 50 pounds on the Atkins Diet in only one month!" boasted the mayor of Low-Carb-ondale. "But does anybody actually know somebody who lost weight on another program? No, the Atkins Diet is only one that works and we're going to make sure everybody in this town follows it."
One grain farmer who lives near the City Formerly Known As Carbondale, however, is not enthusiastic about the idea. "This is obviously a conspiracy concocted by the Other White Meat bastards to drive grain farmers out of business to make more acreage available for hogs and cows. This is an outrage. When was the last time somebody had a heart attack and the coroner announced the cause of death was 'Too much cereal' or 'Overexposure to wheat'?"