Cubs Go Into Tailspin, Threat Of Flying Pigs Diminishes

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, July 20, 2004

from the oink-oink-splat dept.

CHICAGO -- Scientists breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday as the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Cubs for the final time this season, putting the Cubs at a ten-game deficit and blowing a serious hole in their campaign to win the World Series this season.

"We had a close call last year and things were looking pretty grim at the start of this year," explained Dr. Wey Stuhtime. "But now the threat of a Cubs World Series, along with the risks of flying pigs, icicles in Hell, and rips in the space-time continuum, have been significantly reduced in 2004."

Experts at the Foundation for Vaguely Useful Scientific Research are still concerned that they Red Sox could advance to the playoffs, leading to a surge in paranormal phenomena. "And we still can't stick a fork in the Cubs quite yet, despite their stunning meltdown this week," warned physicist Dr. Edmond Kwack. "So we are still predicting a 5% chance of airborne livestock this October."

Last season the organization created a Baseball Playoffs Crisis Command Bunker to respond to the potential Doomsday Scenario: both the Cubs and Red Sox reaching the World Series. "I don't even want to imagine such a cataclysm," Dr. Kwack said. "No matter what, one of the two teams would have been guaranteed to win, regardless of the number of bad umpire calls or fans interfering with balls in play."

"Let me tell you, I hope to never see flying pigs in my lifetime," the veteran scientist added. "For one thing, even a pig with wings can only go so far before falling out of the sky, possibly squashing small children in the process. And rips in the very fabric of the Universe are no laughing matter."