Interest Groups Crawl Out Of The Woodwork To Protest "Redhawks"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, July 10, 2004

from the welcome-to-the-home-of-the-offended dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- As expected, a diverse group of protestors have emerged to protest the university's new chosen mascot, the Redhawks. Conservatives charge that the new name includes a subtle reference to "red" Communism, while liberals argue that "hawks" reflects a pro-war, pro-violence platform.

"I generally hate Republicans, but I think members of all political parties can readily agree that SEMO has really screwed up," said Libby Rull, a member of the Coalition For Imposing Mandatory World Peace Or Else.

Representatives from several interest groups met at a local Starbucks yesterday evening to outline their case and plan the next move. "It's painfully clear that this ill-chosen mascot handed down by fiat from the airy summit of Academic Hall will make Cape Girardeau the laughingstock of academia," explained Ms. Bambi Luhver of the Association Of Paranoid Tree Huggers, an animal rights group vehemently opposed to derogatory animal mascots.

After some debate, the group drafted a document listing the many problems with the Redhawk name:

  1. "Red" is a reference to Communism.

  2. "Red" is a derogatory reference to Native Americans, the very same group this new name is supposed to appease.

  3. "Hawks" is a reference to a violent, pro-war philosophy.

  4. "Hawks" is a reference to a predatory way of life in which higher lifeforms are required to kill and devour lower lifeforms to survive.

  5. The new name ignores the rights of animals, who do not like to be paraded around as the mascot of some obscure, underachieving sports team.

  6. The new name ignores the wishes of some Native Americans who feel that their culture is being erased by clueless do-gooders.

  7. The new name offends other Native American tribes who once had leaders known as Chief Redhawk or similar.

  8. The new name poses an undue burden on grammarians, who cannot decide whether to spell it "Redhawks" or "Red Hawks", much less decide whether the school should be called SEMO or Southeast.

  9. The true name for the animal species in question is the "Red-tailed Hawk", a name that has inappropriate sexual overtones.

At this point, Mr. Robert "Red" Mennis, chairperson for the Sons of the McCarthy Revolution, an anti-Communist advocacy group, suggested that the group develop a list of possible replacement names that are more politically correct and less likely to become the butt of jokes. These are some of the names that were brainstormed:

  • The Shrinking Wallets (an accurate depiction of the money that ordinary students must fork over in fees to support the athletics program)
  • The Debtors
  • The Diversitiers (a team that is conformist in a diverse kind of way)
  • The Political Correctness Enforcers (because isn't that what a liberal education is all about?)
  • The Thought Police
  • The Orwellians
  • The Buzzwords
  • The White Flags (constantly surrendering big leads during games)
  • The Maybe Next Years
  • The Always Second Placers
  • The Sportspeople (100% non-offensive)
  • The Cardiacs (what most students feel like they could have at any time while walking across campus)
  • The Purple Kracklers
  • The River Campusers
  • The General Studies (because the ideal politically-correct curriculum is not biased toward any one field)
  • The Undeclareds
  • The Humidity (think of the potential game headlines: "SIU Suffers Heat Stroke At Hands of SEMO Humidity")
  • The Poison Ivies (animals have rights, but nobody cares about plants, especially poisonous plants)
  • The Multiple Choicers (guessing the correct answer on tests is the most important skill acquired in college)
  • The Procrastinators
  • The Dysfunctional Family
  • The Parking Police (honoring the most successful department on campus)

After the brainstorming session, the attendees agreed to select a new mascot to support and to organize a future protest in front of Academic Hall.

Mr. Mennis, however, was not overly optimistic about their chances. "We all know that the Board of Regents are a stubborn lot and that it's going to take a miracle for them to admit that they screwed up royally. But we've got to try... we simply cannot tolerate this pro-Communist, pro-war, anti-Indian, anti-animal, anti-clueful abomination..."